e r i x l i f e - blog - photos - and more

Friday 29th February 2008

leap year
Its here again, like an eclipse of the calendar - leap year, every 4th one, but with severe complications when there is a century year. I used to wonder about people born on this day, and only had one year to our four. Like dogs with a 1 to 7 ratio! But then as a child, I never believed the sign in a card shop that said "every day is someone's birthday". I once asked my father if traffic lights stayed on all night! I never asked where babies come from.
Today is traditionally the only chance women get to propose marriage to us blokes - am I a "bloke" I wonder? What a naff expression that is, suggesting Sun reading, beer drinking and football supporting. Oh and slapping wifey!
Moving quickly on, I can tell you that I did actually ask a girl to marry me - yeah! But it was after a quick drink in a pub, then a long session in the back of the car in the pub's car park. The windows were steamed up, and the car park was empty when we surfaced. She was a pupil of mine when I was a driving instructor in Ealing. Also she was Jewish, so it would never have worked but I did pop the question, after popping her cherry - what a terrible expression that is! Did I get it right, as it often refers to breaking in young chickens - not difficult! Do you know what a chicken is? Answer on page 2009!
There are some amazing pix of me as a chicken as I have added a scan of an original A3 collage to the photos page. This is a unique document as I don't have the original prints anymore. During a "Buddhist" moment once I destroyed all my photographs, in an effort to minimise my possessions. I have re-scanned (larger) individual pictures of moi and they appear on my Flickr page. Please have a look! I am updating descriptions as I remember more from that time. Wow! I am appearing all over the internet...
I would like to have appeared as a male model, and did go for a "screen test" to some seedy 4th floor room, in Soho once, but as I had to pay for the privilege I wonder how effective it was. There was a bearded man with a cine camera raking in ten pounds a time. Trouble was you had to go back again, when it was developed. He said my eyes were too deep set, and I was always wearing spex, so tricky. I never got to keep the short film, and I never got to be a model. Another time I did an audition for a tv station in Southampton. That must be Southern TV. I had sent a studio produced portrait which they liked, and then I was invited down to do the news reading test. I failed, well there is always so much competition isn't there. In neither case was I invited onto the legendary casting couch, so my Hollywood fame was never to be!
The four-year calendar adjustment is to do with balancing space time and real time, and doesn't affect us too much. Changing clocks however does, and what a dreadful chore that is, but that's another thing!
Now, anyone wanting to share my back seat is unlucky as I don't have a car... will the bed do?

Thursday 28th February 2008
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recycling
Recently "recycling" has become a PC (politically correct) word, although I remember when glass bottles could be taken back for a return of the cash deposit (that was built into the selling price of the item) and boy scouts collected newspapers! And tin foil...? With the impact of global warming, and landfill sites almost full, the government is panicking us into working for them by sorting our household rubbish into categories before collection. Maybe the emphasis should be on wasteful packaging?
Although I have always believed in protecting the environment, it is real pain sorting and saving. I have a plastic container permanently on the counter in the kitchen, into which I place all the paper and cardboard together with the washed, crushed cans and plastic bottles. The food waste I have to save separately. When the container is full, or I know it is a collection day, I have to go outside to the ugly collection of recycling bins... The enormous brown wheelie bin is for cardboard, food, garden etc, the slightly smaller green wheelie bin is for everything else, and there are small boxes with lids - a black one for glass, green for plastic and grey for paper. Old people must get really confused by all this, and a lot of newspapers can be very heavy to lift. They are collected alternate weeks, and I often forget which week is week, so sometimes get left with a lot of stuff that should have gone. The regular green wheelie is collected weekly, and we have been told that this is the target of government strategy. Either we have to pay if there is too much household rubbish not recycled, or people that do well will be paid a recycling bonus!
The problem is going to be how this is measured, and whether some will place their excess rubbish in other peoples' bins. So we will have microchips on bins, and padlocks as well? A grim prospect. Will inspectors be calling and going through our trash on the pavement? How will wheelie bins be secured to the property? Will collections become fortnightly instead of weekly? So many questions, without answers at present.
I have questions right now, that could be answered with universal improvement, because there is still a lot of ignorance surrounding this whole recycling thing. I am sure I discard items that could be saved, and there is a fear of not doing right because of the deterrent of fines and even prison - can you believe that. I hear they are already full anyway?
I am never quite sure whether plastic bottle tops can go in with the bottles, or whether tin lids can be saved? Local councils could do a lot more to inform us about the detail of their scheme, by producing a DVD, or going round giving illustrated talks to local groups, and running teach-in days at the Town Hall.
OK then, what shall I do with my used tissues... Can I sell them on ebay?

Wednesday 27th February 2008

wildlife
I am reviewing the bird food situation in my garden, because there are so many other visitors appreciating the food scraps I put out most mornings, next to the bird bath. Most days recently I have had to break the ice first! I love them all, including foxes, badgers, squirrels, deer, pheasants, and ducks. The food was originally meant for ground feeding birds - too many to list. If you put food out regularly, and at a similar time, you are guaranteed a large number of feathered friends. They are often waiting for me (in the trees surrounding the property) to emerge from the back door, and as soon as I have retreated they are down and tucking in. I try to watch their antics without disturbing them, but some are so tame I can stand motionless a few feet away and observe them. For the last two summers I have been visited by a pair of mallard ducks, and what a joy they are to view. They scoop the bird seed up with their beaks, and gobble their way through the morsels of bread. Then they waddle through the water (on the ground) and bathe as well as drink. This summer I am at a different bungalow, so doubt if I will see them?
I need to ensure that all my animals and birds get an equal chance to feed and drink, and I am thinking now of getting a bird table for the smaller more timid breeds, like robins and tits - although I have seen them eating off the ground. Previously the larger birds like pigeons and magpies would arrive first and take the best, in bully like style. So if I can think of hanging nets of seed and nuts, with restricted access, that would appeal to many. I'll have a look around the garden centre, when I go shopping later.
One of my neighbours, another bird lover, bought large bags of seed, which he kept in his shed. One day he discovered a family of mice had taken over the shed, and were living rather nicely on the seed! There are so many varieties available now, but I think the basic one is fine. It will attract a large variety of birds. I have been unlucky with the fat balls, as they get attacked, so the fat falls to the ground in small lumps, and is then devoured. Squirrels will attempt to accept the challenge of acquiring food not meant for them, and will learn routes involving acrobatic antics to get to their goal.
Foxes are very secretive, but you can sometimes see them early or late, and when mother is showing her newly born cubs the ropes it is an absolute joy. They cubs certainly love playing around, much to mother's annoyance.
The large badger I have seen is enormous, and even more secretive, but he will eat just about anything down there, including fruit and vegetables - obviously a healthy eater!

Tuesday 26th February 2008
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Dyas
Went with elderly neighbour to Hemel Hampstead on the bus yesterday, to visit the high street hardware store - Robert Dyas, as they had a special discount day with £5 off when you spent £10 or more. Good value. I had received the token from a previous visit last week when I bought my sandwich toaster. She is 90, fairly able but lacks confidence and needs encouragement. She always responds well to my suggestions for going out, as she is not able to venture far on her own. She walks with a stick, which she often misplaces when we are out. I have found it in the parked, empty supermarket trolley, at the table where we had coffee and on the floor in the bus! She is bright, intelligent and good company. Her two hearing aids have improved her life greatly and she is interested in many things. Because of her age, she has many interesting stories about her early life - straight off the pages of a history book. As a child she endured great hardship, as part of a large and poor family in the north east of England. The living conditions were unbelievable, and just about everyone was hard up, and knew no better. When she was 14, she came to London to live with an aunt, and work so she could send money back home. She saw a slightly better life here, but had to work in a factory on very low wages! Her whole life has been a struggle, and now I can help her enjoy the last few years of life, with dignity and respect.
At Dyas, we found the sandwich toaster that she desired. Even in a few days the stock in the shop had been moved around, but I did find a staff member to ask. The price of the toaster was £9.99 - one penny under the minimum spend to activate the special discount. Another assistant said the computer (till) would reject the item, and we had to buy something else as well - fair enough, so I quickly found something I needed - Colour Catcher sheets which remove loose dye from the washing. The total was respectably above the £10 minimum, and she was then entitled to a discount of £5 - a very good deal.
We left the shop and walked to BB's in The Marloes shopping centre, for coffee and a cake, then got the bus back - one of those rare moments when as you arrive at the bus stop it pulls up immediately! Back home in no time, and in she went proudly carrying her new purchase, and happy that she had been out in the real world, rather than just looking out of her window, or seeing people on the television.

Monday 25th February 2008

guest
Entertaining a friend from Worthing - here for the weekend, and leaving today. She is someone I have known for many years, a dear platonic friend, and holiday companion for many stays in Devon and Cornwall. We have not met since December, and had a lot of catching up to do. She had been to New York for Christmas, and on her way back from staying with another friend before arriving here in her neglected red Peugeot. She is not a "car person" and is only bothered about putting the petrol in. She was proud of her newly acquired radio which she maintains "halves" the journey time?
She also lives on her own, so it has been difficult for us both to adjust to sharing space and time with one another. Luckily she is a very talented and capable person (in the kitchen) so we get on well. I laid the table and she cooked the meals - that meant I had to do the washing up! The past few days have been a blur of social contacts, chatting incessantly and looking at many photographs. The most difficult thing for me is coping with another person full time. She is hardly demanding, but all the time there is someone here I feel I cannot fully be my natural self. The only time we have to ourselves is when we go to bed. I keep saying I need to check my email as an excuse to get some me-time, that I am so used to. I haven't read the weekend papers, I haven't seen my favourite tv programmes (and had to watch things because she wanted to) and everything seems to be in a mess. The place is topsy turvy and I will be glad when she has gone. Then I will be able to return things to their rightful place, and know they will stay there.
It was enjoyable meeting friends and neighbours, as I had the feeling of being a "couple" but will prefer the silence of solitude, soon. I need to tidy and clean before I feel the place is mine again, yet I will miss her cheery company.
I will look forward to our next meeting - here or in Worthing.

Sunday 24th February 2008
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MacDonald's
Ventured into one of the two MacDonald's restaurants in Watford, with a friend after shopping, but unfortunately around the "coming out of school time" on Friday afternoon. The small to average sized restaurant was buzzing with activity, movement and noise!. We found a table by the window, and he went to get the food while I guarded the shopping. It seemed to be a place for people in a hurry. The expanding menu seemed to cater for expanding waistlines, and the average age at the time of our visit must have been 18? Some business people, and a few mothers with loads of small children.
We tucked into our fries - I had a fillet-o-fish, and he, the burger, with onion dippers, and we tried the ice cream - mine was mixed with creme eggs and very sweet. I had an OJ and he had a diet coke. Well, the food was filling, but not very tasty or satisfying, and the surroundings were unpleasant. A smart slim woman in black was busy clearing and wiping tables, and I asked her something, then realised she didn't speak (much) English, so abandoned the attempted contact. The "scenery" was very attractive with male youths at every table, but all with the appearance of "attitude". Not so pleasant, and I tried not to look at them.
I visit a MacDonald's maybe once a year, and always say I will never go again, but then I do, but only because the other person wants to! I am not sure the world is a better place, but they have certainly had a big influence, and by targeting a young audience, the kids become teenagers and adults, and then parents... so it goes on. One cannot ignore their global success - is there anywhere without a MacDonald's? I have been to one in Vienna, and some in the States, and a drive-in one in Sussex. If you need a fast food restaurant, then you could go there, but not too often, and don't go on a school day afternoon if possible!
It is interesting to see how they have responded to much criticism about the dietary contents of their menus, over many years, and their emphasis now on sport, healthy eating and the environment. Long may this continue, and I am sure they will still be around in another twenty, thirty years...
The last few days I seem to have been unusually obsessed with food? Perhaps it is a psychological replacement for sex?

Saturday 23rd February 2008

suicide
Today's item is dedicated to the memory of the 17 young people who have committed suicide in Bridgend, south Wales. It is a tragedy whatever the meaning of this mystery. For parents and families to lose a child before them must be something one never quite overcomes. From personal experience I know of the impact to a family, because my first boyfriend in Ealing lost his older brother who jumped off the roof of a multi storey car park in the town. His parents eventually split up, his mother was always on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and Norm was never quite "norm". I did my best to console him in times of sadness, and he wrote poetry to me, in gratitude of my love and attention.
Perhaps the young people of Bridgend or anywhere else for that matter need some love and attention. The structure of life in Britain today is fragmented, with so many social evils, drink, drugs, early pregnancies, gangs, knives (and guns) etc. Do young people have a role model any more? Absent fathers cannot help the situation. Since the Thatcherite era we have worshipped money as a religion, and greed as a way of life. The influence of the church and the family in the community has diminished, and we no longer have respect for others. Politeness and etiquette are seen as signs of weakness. Kindness is despised.
After a period of economic madness which has fuelled the situation we are about to enter a time of decline, but is it too late? With the enormous de-stabilising effect of millions of migrants throughout the UK, what future can children and young people expect. What hope and expectations do they have. It seems very little. This is the tip of the iceberg, and it is no good local and government official saying there is no link between this outbreak in one area - I am sure it will occur all over the country in time.
Social networking and the media have an influence on us all. We are now so much more aware of what is happening (good and bad), but I don't actually believe there is a suicide cult in one small town. If so, then they would perhaps have done it at the same time? What a waste of young lives. Let us lead the way, and set an example. Let us learn from this tragedy, and try to prevent it from becoming a universal phenomenon.

Friday 22nd February 2008

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email
Why can't businesses read my email sent to them? Recently I have had several examples of poor (no?) service from organisations with email addresses advertised on their web sites, but not answering or acknowledging. How can this be? The first was a national voluntary group, and I had to print out my email, write a covering letter and send by snail mail. The second a local NHS hospital. Why do they provide an email address and not read the contents of their mail box, or if they do - not bother to do anything about it. I've had a similar non-response from a national mail order company!
I think organisations rely totally on the telephone nowadays, because they probably have call centres (overseas?) and find this the cheapest option. I actually hate using the phone, and still conduct my affairs by every other means possible. I hate it when the phone rings at home, but at least I can see who it is calling before I need to answer. I will not answer if I do not recognise the name or number on my screen. This way I can filter possible sales calls. I often hesitate even ringing friends in case it is the wrong time. One or two watch tv rather intently and will never answer during a favourite programme. I have found myself actually phoning people when I know they are out so I can leave a message - there must be a name for this condition?
Businesses should monitor their email daily, and deal with it efficiently, and in the same way postal mail. They don't deserve our business unless they do. If I can discover the name of a top person, I will often write to advise them of their perceived shortcomings - not to gain any advantage, but to let them know how a typical customer may feel about such poor service. They always promise to improve, but rarely do. These executives (like politicians) must be seen to be doing something, but will get away with as little as possible.
I always deal with my email immediately, and will send an acknowledgement if I know there will be a delay in actioning. People still say "did you get my email", but when they send it to me they at least know that I did.
Mind you there are a lot of people I would like to ask this question to...

Thursday 21st February 2008

Indian food
There's one in every village, sometimes two - Indian restaurants... More popular than English food, what makes Indian food so good? A friend invited me for dinner at a local restaurant in Abbots Langley, and we arrived at The Viceroy Brasserie before 7pm. We were the first guests to arrive, although customers for take-aways were coming and going. We were shown to a table set for two people against a side wall. It is quite a large restaurant, with tables scattered throughout - why was it then that subsequent guests were placed at tables either side of us, when they could have been spread around for some privacy?
The lid of the toilet seat would not stay up, so one had to risk drips on the seat while one performed. Not good.
The full menu offered modern and traditional Bangladeshi and Indian food. I chose a simple dish that I know and like - Chicken Tikka Massala, and my friend had Chicken Korma. We had some vegetables and plain Nan bread, with a large Cobra each. I asked for some lime to go in my lager, and felt rather girlie - but so what!
The initial welcome by staff was the usual ingratiating behaviour, but I have often found that Indian culture sometimes means aggressive conduct, and we experienced this with a waiter snatching the menu back after ordering a desert.
I knew an Indian student in London, and could never remember his complicated sounding name (even when I was with him) and he behaved in a similar way. The most intimate moments were often spoiled by his innate hostility. We talked about this frequently, and he couldn't explain it! On holiday in a boat on the Norfolk Broads, I let him steer, and he was soon accelerating towards another boat! I grabbed the wheel, swerved... but we still collided! On another occasion he dropped the anchor (unsecured) overboard and I had to pay to get a diver out to recover it. What a disaster, but he was good in other ways!
The food at the restaurant was good, but the experience generally was disappointing for the reasons stated. I don't go out to eat very often, and when I spied the bill, I knew why - it was a whopping £45 including service.
More than I could afford. I'll have to go on the streets before my next meal out.

Wednesday 20th February 2008
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public sex
What do the following have in common... car parks, trains, planes, parks and toilets - public sex! Not just gays either. There's a web site telling you where to go to watch (or perform) sex in car parks and other public places. That would not appeal to me. It is bad enough witnessing two men (normally "straight") enjoying each other in a public toilet. I would not want my kids to see that. One sometimes sees public displays of nudity, masturbation and sex, often meant to be private. I remember a mature male standing naked on a coastal path in Devon pleasuring himself, and a young couple in the rhododendrons at Kew Gardens.
It must be illegal in every country as a crime against public decency, or public disorder, but it goes on. There's a certain excitement about it. We have all experienced the "quickie" - standing up somewhere, and known as a knee jerker - because of how you feel immediately afterwards. Remember those office parties... Do I? What about the office boy I had admired for months. Well after a few beers, it was HE who said did I want him? Can you imagine, all those lustful moments lost, and now for a few minutes he was mine. In private we could enjoy our stolen passion, and the next day it would be as it always was, total respectability! The woman pupil who invited me onto the back seat of the car when I was a driving instructor - that was a long time ago, and just shows that well, sex is sex! The young man I seduced (easily) on the 747 at 35,000 feet between Bangkok and Singapore, while we were seated next to an American girl!
No romance with this, and no names remembered. It is not meant to be a trophy, just natural behaviour. Mother nature gave us a strong sex drive to perpetuate the race. We have perhaps abused it, as condom sex and instant gratification is the norm. Now its virtual sex and recreational pleasure or Big Brother on tv?. There are still too many babies, and the world's population is exploding year on year. Perhaps starvation will affect us before global warming?
By the way, I am available. Any offers... but only in public!

Tuesday 19th February 2008

Leonard Cohen
Re-kindled my affection for the voice of Leonard Cohen by buying a double CD of his: The Essential - issued in 2002, a sort of Greatest Hits, including Suzanne and Chelsea Hotel. I first encountered him in the late sixties with his first album. A friend had introduced me to his music, and we often listened naked, holding hands - before shagging like rabbits, in his gloomy, smoke filled bedroom! The moody music is excellent for making love to. CJ was of course much younger than me, very slim with long hair. We first met at my place in Burnt Oak (north west London). I think he had responded to an ad in Time Out, anyway he was also interested in alternatives and came for tea. In due course I had invited him to join me in taking our clothes off, and lay down together silently, and feel our hearts beating (what a corny chat-up line). He had never experienced such a closeness with anyone before and inevitably... one thing led to another! After that we always had nude encounters (with Leonard Cohen). Once his mother innocently entered his bedroom during a lull in the music to offer a cup of tea, but discovered a gyrating naked body on top of her boy - she left silently, and never returned.
Songs of Leonard Cohen was so remarkable that if he hadn't produced anything else since, he would have still made it to the Top 100 greatest singers of all time. Ask anyone to say a word to describe his work, and they would say "sad" OK right, and he has been labelled "The Godfather of Gloom". Canadian, Leonard now over 70 (kids but never married) was a poet and novelist before the singing. This says a lot about his songs, and you can hear the words! Described as a manic depressive, he is the ultra perfectionist and there have been over 100 versions of Suzanne in his quest for the ultimate - amazing!
This year he is due to tour in Europe and may headline the summer Glastonbury Festival - not to be missed.
Is the following an urban myth - his songs were banned in Hungary, because so many people committed suicide? Oh dear!
What's the number for The Samaritans?

Monday 18th February 2008
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binge eating
A friend drove me to Asda in north Watford yesterday morning, as we hoped to avoid the weekend crowds - we didn't! We arrived by 10.30 and parked reasonably easily, but were surprised to see a crocodile of returned shopping trolleys blocking one of the underground car park exits, and none at the entrance to the store! I reported this to customer services as soon as I arrived. We went our separate ways, and agreed to meet in the cafe in about one hour. I went to the bathroom section to look for a mirror, and found a chunky pine deep framed rectangular one, quite easily. I'll buy that and fix it later I thought. The marked price was knocked down even more, so it seemed like a bargain price. On the box it promised support fixings were included, I hope so.
I had a small list of food items, but declined the white chocolate spread this time because all the jars looked "contaminated". I am sure they were fine, perhaps the glass jars were misty, I wasn't sure. The young male checkout assistant wasn't quite awake, and I hesitated to ask why, but he had a smile on his face... After paying I made my way to the cafe where I met my friend. I offered to treat him to a snack and drink, and he chose a mega butty, I had thought I'd have beans on toast. There was a long queue, and I patiently waited my turn. The staff were very busy serving food to hungry customers, and preparing food.
I watched the people in front of me ordering variables of the full English breakfast... eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, fried bread, hash browns, mushrooms and tomatoes, (probably chips as well?) with toast on the side. In every case they were asking for more servings and multiple items - they could hardly get everything onto the quite large plates. I was flabbergasted. They weren't all obese (yet). Men and women had similar appetites, with children in training! Couples needed a separate tray each, as there was so much food.
Why do people insist on three of everything (apart from the cost) how can they force feed themselves like this. They must be used to doing it every meal. Gross! They are consuming about 1500 calories in one sitting! It is binge eating, and they should think about their own health and the hungry half of the worlds population. Looking around the cafe, you can see them stuffing themselves, and eating as quickly as possible! I am sure they are not enjoying their food much. They are like human factory chickens...
Also I hate those restaurants offering "All you can eat for £X". It is never all consumed, so its wasted... It is immoral.
Anyway, when my turn came, she piled on the beans completely covering the two slices of toast, and asked if that was enough? Y E S, thank you! Actually my plate was barely warm, so by the time I was half way through eating, my beans were cold. In addition, with the noise of all those uncontrolled kids it was not a pleasant experience.
Now, I wonder what that young checkout guy was smiling about...?

Sunday 17th February 2008

mirror
I'm not a vain queen, so only have mirrors at home for essential purposes... like does my bum look big in this? Had to return a fancy new bathroom mirror to John Lewis in Watford, because it was faulty, although I told them I didn't like it (easier that way). It was a swivelling mirror to go above the wash hand basin. I wanted it to swivel so that when I am seated and shaving - (yes I do shave my neck below the beard, and also the back of my neck) I could see better what I am doing. I still have the hand held vanity mirror to see the back of my neck - very difficult. Even more difficult is when I am using the electric hair clippers to cut my hair, usually a number 3. I have to be a contortionist to see every part of the top and back of my head. Using it to trim my beard is easier. I will have to choose another mirror, but will probably go for the plain simple type?
I knew someone in north London (well, he used to be a friend) who was permanently looking at himself in the mirror. He drove us all mad by imagining his face was disfigured, when of course it wasn't. I suppose he was up-himself anyway, but this trait was difficult to cope with! He would phone me late, crying and saying that his face was a mess, and could I go round? Well I did a few times, but what could I do? Constantly reassuring him was very exhausting, and when he went to his GP, they gave him creams to put on his face. When there was nothing wrong he used to pick at fantasy spots and make himself bleed - then of course he did have a blemish! Then he couldn't leave it alone, so it did become messy and infected...
I was friendly with his parents, who were "self made" (and kept telling you so) started life in a council house, and ended up buying one - big deal! They had always criticized him, so his self esteem was zero. Very sad, but after years of putting up with the family, I decided to drop them. A difficult phone call, but it had to be done. Years later I discovered a medical name for his condition, but I never heard how he got on. His nickname in our group was donkey dick - can't think why?
I know I was never beautiful - good looking, yes!!! but I have learnt to live with what I've got, that's the important thing. Whether you are tall or short, fat or thin - if you can't change it, love it! I would never have plastic surgery, and as long as everything works, I am happy. Beauty can be a curse. Imagine being worshipped for just your looks. Could you be sure that overtures of love were ever genuine, or just that he wanted to get your knickers off? Think of the jealousy from acquaintances and "friends" whilst they may always want to be with you, do they hate you for being so lovely?
Well, this never happened to me!

Saturday 16th February 2008
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watering
I am watering the indoor plants for a neighbour who is away in Mexico for a couple of weeks. Doesn't it feel strange walking around someone else's empty place. It is not like house sitting, where you move in for the duration, its like being a non-stealing burglar (with the door key). Although you know they are away, somehow as you open the door to another room you think, they MAY be there?
Have you ever gone into a house to see if the person is still alive? I did this last year (with a friend, who had a key) and we went straight to the bedroom as we suspected this might be the case as their curtains were still closed by mid morning. Yes, indeed, he was cold and gone. His withered face at rest, mouth open with staring look. His body was cold. We left and called the doctor...
I once accompanied a friend to a Chapel of Rest, to view his late partner's body, and the most noticeable thing is the coldness of the corpse. It is not a morbid thing (happens to us all!) and of course the bodies are stored in a refrigerated room before burial or cremation. Dead people always seem to be asleep, and undertakers do well to beautify the bodies which eases the taboo of death for relatives and friends.
I go in twice a week to pick up the mail, water the plants if necessary and check the house. It is very untidy, and she has a mountain of stuff - books, papers, magazines, cuttings just lying around on every flat surface, on the floor, on the seats of chairs. Impossible. How can she find anything. I hate living in clutter, and if ever you call at mine, you will be impressed the way it looks... all the time, not just because you are visiting. Its how I like it. Everything is put away or filed in the appropriate place, so of course I can always find what I want (except a lover!).
As a child I was encouraged (made) to put my toys away - this habit may have started in the childrens' home, and become embedded in my subconscious. To this day I am obsessed by containers, and have every shape, size and type of see-through plastic boxes. I love the "Really Useful Box" brand, as they are available in dozens of sizes (measures in litres - confusing). The tiniest is just about right for condoms, and the biggest - well I can't imagine what you could keep in there...
I use saved tap water at room temperature for the plants - not too little, and not too much. I talk to them and encourage them to do well while she is away - don't want anything to die on me, do I?
I hope she doesn't think I am am going to do the hoovering...

Friday 15th February 2008

tv police
I love watching police car chase programmes on television. There are so many now - available on Freeview, with more on Sky (which I haven't got). Shows like "Police, Camera, Action" "Police Patrol" "Road Wars" "Police Stop" "World's Scariest Police Chases" and "Sky Cops". Mainly English and American with some clips from other countries. It is based on film taken by on board cameras fitted to the front of police cars. Some of the footage is rather blurry, but maybe this adds to the drama?
The American ones tend to have little content, but spread it out to last a half hour show, by repeating bits in slow motion. I am not too keen on this aspect. The commentators all have different styles - minimal is best I reckon. The most exciting is when you see ground and air shots taken of the same incident. Those police helicopters are very "Hollywood" and I have no sympathy for the criminals. I jump up and down when they get caught and handcuffed. When they get away I shout at the tv...
The difference in UK and US policing is quite amazing. The American cops - well there always seem to be a lot more of them and their police cars, than here. They use their cars physically to spin the offenders, or just crash into them to stop them. There are so many occasions when the British police could stop a chase much earlier by appropriate ramming of the vehicle.
The stinger (to prick their tyres and deflate them) seems quite effective. The Americans shoot out their tyres!
I once saw a drug arrest on the street in Worthing, where the main crim was getting into his fast car to get away, as plain clothes men in trainers and T-shirts arrived from nowhere, followed by a fast plain police saloon car. Trouble was one of the detectives was standing by the drivers door, so the police car was unable to get close enough to block the crims car. He escaped and drove up a one-way street - the wrong way. Don't know what happened after that.
Every now and again on tv the crims accidentally crash into an innocent driver, which can be very spectacular, as long as the innocent is unharmed. I confess I get really excited when the police use their batons to attack the crims...
At my prep school a boy was beaten by a master in front of the whole class. The naughty boy deserved some punishment but this was a merciless attack on a young defenceless boy. He was hit and punched about the head, neck, arms, back, bottom and legs. It was very arousing to watch, and this is how I first got interested in punishment and dominant sex! The boy recovered (physically) and the master was sacked on the spot - never liked him! There was no trauma counselling in those days, but us boys could have certainly done with some. Some of the class members were screaming and crying with fright, but the boy received his punishment stoically. He left the school soon afterwards. Amazingly he went on to become a priest. Well done.
Hang on, there's another police car chase programme - just about to start...

Thursday 14th February 2008
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valentine
Well, couldn't ignore it could I? St Valentine's Day, over hyped commercial exploitation... That's my cynical side, but even as I am without a lover, I still feel "good inside" at the thoughts and memories of past times, when I was romantic. At College I had to write a long essay about "love". I had left school, was 20 and in Leicester, with really no idea. At that time I had not felt the adult emotion, just teenage lust and fantasy. It was much later in my life when I overcame infatuation and learnt about LOVE. I had friends, many boy friends, and even more one night stands, but sadly afterwards couldn't remember names!
I remember the name of Cookie, a 21 year old Malaysian Chinese from Penang, here at the University in Colchester, Essex. He had been a pen friend before he came to the UK for his studies, and during vacations he stayed at my flat in Pimlico. I would often visit him at weekends, and share his tiny room in the Halls of Residence. This was the first time I had fallen in love, mainly because of him loving me so much. I had never experienced this, and forever admire the Oriental ways of life and love. He was some ten years younger than me, but taught me so much about life. His wisdom belonged to a man of 60. He said so much and listened even more. Our non verbal communication was extreme. Our togetherness exquisite, our love making heavenly. We shared everything, and he gave me his body and his soul. He had no riches, but was worth a million pounds. With him alone, one needed nothing else in life. The tears are running down my face as I write this... He affected the whole of the rest of my life, and I thank him for ever... He went back to Malaysia after his degree course, to look after his elderly mother and although we tried to keep in touch, it was impossible. Years later I heard from his sister that after his mother died, he had killed himself.
I have never loved anyone else with so much passion. You are always in my heart... Today is for you, dear Cookie.

I am very sorry to read about your loss on this day! Cookie is waiting for you in your next life time!
Today's story is so upsetting, what can I say?
CK (UK)

Wednesday 13th February 2008

tropical
Went shopping to Berkhamsted - old Hertfordshire market town, but snarled with through traffic - for weekly food shopping at Waitrose. The advantage of shopping here is that the store is just off the High Street, so all the local shops are available at the same time. How I love to rummage through the many charity shops - upmarket towns always have the best things in charity shops. They have a small tasteful market on Saturdays, and special markets at different times. There is even the remains of a very old castle. A restored cinema open seven days a week, and lots of coffee shops. It is a very desirable place to live.
Anyway, the reason I am saying all this is simply because the weather is just amazing right now. Still February, but feels like June. Frosty start, then long hours of warm sunshine, and getting dark, later and later - keep putting my automatic light timer back.
After shopping, sat out at a pavement cafe to enjoy my cappuccino, while watching the world go by. Back home for lunch, and putting the shopping away. I always enjoy doing this, but as I have little room for food storage, have to be inventive. Skipped the lunchtime tv news, and opted for a sandwich and coffee to sit outside. The permanent wooden seat outside the front door of my bungalow needed a wipe down. Its like a single park bench, with fading dark wood stain, which is peeling in places. Birds had left their deposits, and spiders, their cobwebs, soon done, and I am enjoying the first "picnic" of summer. Read the paper, then sat back and snoozed, but woke up with a sore neck as my head had leant over and forward...
Looking around the gardens I see bulbs which I had planted last year are coming forth, some daffodils and snow drops are in full colour and everything seems greener. The grass is still wintry looking with long untidy tufts, and embedded leaves. I see midges in the distance, and everywhere birds darting and singing.
So lovely, I call it my tropical spring.

Tuesday 12th February 2008

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censorship
I have removed all nude images from erixlife because of the continual reluctance of powerful US sites to list pages with any bodies showing. I am dismayed by this, but have to go along with it to achieve listings. This American way of life seems rather narrow minded and perhaps a double standard? One listing that did mention me starred out the "ay" of GAY, can you believe that? Is this the 21st century or what. We are not talking about pornographic or even erotic images, just the naked human form...
Going by this premise, one would imagine there is no American porn, but we all know differently. We have heard about child porn sites in the US, which enrolled members from around the world. They have been systematically rounded up for viewing these sites, and people over here have even committed suicide because of the shame. Many famous celebs have been caught up by this - thank you America!
The nudity taboo may have deep psychological meanings, perhaps to do with clothing representing power and authority? I like to think of social nudity as an acceptance of trust and equality - far from a puritanical view of life. Naturism seems more European than American, so perhaps we should leave it at that!
I will continue to pursue an active interest in all things natural, and I am sitting here now IN THE NUDE...

Monday 11th February 2008

the dome
Visited the dome in Greenwich, now called the O2 and host to "stars" including The Spice Girls. We arrived by catamaran from Charing Cross Pier. The sun was shining, and because we were early in the day, more or less had the boat to ourselves. I had travelled by train and tube to central London to meet my old friend from Worthing (who now lives in Surrey). He is one of those people that always arrives early - whatever time I get there, he is always there waiting for me!
I had bought my travelcard the day before, and when arriving at Euston it jammed in the automatic ticket barrier. I had to get the man over to release it. He was a burly man with moustache, and not the friendliest of types. I felt he assumed I was immediately guilty of trying to defraud the railway company. He released my ticket, and spent a minute inspecting it - front and reverse, even holding it up to the light! I was given it back without explanation and made my way...
After a look round the O2, and attempting to purchase a coffee for me and a green tea for him - no decaf, and no green tea! We waited for ages to have two regular coffees that we didn't really want, so walked out, but not before going to the loo. It had one of those turbo hand dryers that cause the skin to ripple on your hands with the force - they really work well, after years of useless ones, thank goodness. Sometimes there are still paper towels, which had been my preference. Why can't loos flush more and so smell a bit nicer. Most public loos now cost 20p, and unfortunately it is not always worth it.
After the O2, we took another boat to Greenwich, which we both love. The indoor market is always fascinating, and we had a toasted sandwich there. By now it was really warm, and what had started as a frosty morning was now like a spring or autumn day. We looked at other markets, and The Emporium, which is a clothes shop, selling really unusual items, some at very reasonable prices. On my last visit there I bought a french style beret, but this time didn't see anything. Bought a book at a charity shop - an early autobiography of Stephen Fry, and in a remainder bookshop some fridge magnets for a friend in Sussex. We had something to eat and drink in Waterstones, where I bought a cotton bag to put my earlier purchases in. The assistant failed to give me my penny change, and I had to ask! An oriental student near our table took my eye, but he was with another student, so was not looking at me! Why do they only have wooden stirrers available in cafes now, do people steal teaspoons? I hate it.
There never seem to be enough staff in shops and cafes nowadays - the tables at Costa in Waterstones were full of used crockery and food debris, really unpleasant. It is nice having coffee in a bookshop, but if only there was more room. I do not enjoy sitting elbow to elbow. I'd always rather sit outside (previously so I could smoke) but now the outdoor pleasure is spoiled by smokers - ironic!

Sunday 10th February 2008
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chips
To gamble you need knowledge as well as "luck". If I went into a betting shop, I would not know what to do. I have no idea about odds or place - some terms I have heard others talk of. I did once try some horse betting by telephone, when I opened an account after replying to an ad because they offered a "free" bet as an inducer. My credit limit soon expired without any winnings. I have entered office sweepstakes for big races like The Grand National or The Derby - think I did win once on that.
My parents used to try the football pools on a saturday, and of course I buy tickets for The Lottery.
I didn't win the 95 million pounds on the Euro Lottery, and rarely do I win anything on the twice weekly one either, never more than 4 numbers, which netted £60 I think!
Although I have stayed in Las Vegas, and suffered the oven like temperatures - does anyone ever go outdoors there? I only wasted money on slot machines, never on the tables. I don't know my roulette from my poker. You see them in the movies, throwing their chips down, and saying "see you..." whatever that means. It is a foreign world to me, and perhaps that is a good thing, as there is much suffering from a gambling addiction. Fancy betting something like a car or a house?
It seems that the only winners are the operators! Oh I did play bingo or holiday once...
Luck may be connected to a random series of occurrences, or superstition attached to certain (misguided?) beliefs. Some believe they can change these circumstances, or have lucky numbers - doubtful? Life is just a game of chance.
You make your own luck with positive thoughts, and motivation. A large part of life is about "turning up" - for the job every day, for that date or to go gambling! Think about it, your whole future depends on whether you are there or not. If you are bad at this, I predict a bad future. So be there, and don't be late!

Saturday 9th February 2008

life
Feeling "down" today, so avoiding the sunshine with blinds down, and curtains pulled. The mobile is off, and phone unplugged. Am retreating to my inner self to shun the reality of life. It isn't that I am feeling sorry for myself, rather that I want to "enjoy" the loneliness of isolation. Not interested in anything - eating and drinking when I feel the need. Sleeping as much as possible, either in bed or up and dressed - on the sofa, even the floor (as I used to before I had the bed). I don't feel strange or peculiar, I don't want any pills or alcohol, just need to experience the inner me at this time.
I try to read the newspaper, watch tv and listen to music, but find it difficult to concentrate for long, so settle into a semi conscious state of mental relaxation where I think of nothing. Time passes surprisingly quickly. It is time for dinner, but I had lunch at breakfast time? I am not really confused, just d e p r e s s e d...
Do not worry, I am very experienced at this!
At times like this I question the meaning of LIFE, and challenge my identity - and the reason for my existence. What is the purpose of life? Why I am here? How do I fit into all this... Questions without answers...
I do not wish to go outside, and certainly do not want to meet or talk to anyone. I am satisfied with my own company, and feel as though this state of existence could last forever? I do not feel ill, or particularly desire to change my present state, as I know that eventually it will change, and my life will revert to some sort of acceptable normality.
Sometimes this can last for hours or days. Sometimes the days blur into weeks, and sometimes I wonder if my life is just a blog. A miscellaneous collection of ideas, thoughts, desires and memories. I am not alone, as I can feel part of the distant world. I choose to withdraw, that is all. It may be temporary, and I hope it is not permanent. Is it permanently temporary ot temporarily permanent - that is the quandary.
People ask me how these things start, what can be so bad for one so positive? What on earth could happen to trigger this. Well, actually it is often when things DON'T happen... I always over analyse actions and incidents, and have realised that it is always the smallest event that starts me off, and I can feel it happening in advance! A doctor once said I have a chemical imbalance...
However, tomorrow is another day, and who knows it may be different for me then. I'll let you know - as if nothing had happened.

Friday 8th February 2008
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year of the rat
Chinese New Year is here, and it is the year of the rat. I am a SHEEP. I looked up an explanation of my sign, and was amazed at the accuracy. Here is some of what was written...
Intelligent, good nattered and generous but can be undisciplined and irresponsible. May have some antisocial tendencies The Sheep is also indecisive, yet has fantastic luck in life. A person of the Sheep Year is a good samaritan. He is righteous, sincere and easily taken in by sob stories. He is likely to be mild-mannered, even shy. At his best, he is artistic, fashionable and a creative worker. At his worst, he tends to be easily overcome by his emotions, pessimistic and withdrawn.The Sheep is known for his gentle and compassionate ways. He can forgive easily and be understanding about others' faults. He dislikes strict schedules and cannot take too much discipline or criticism. Fond of children and animals, he is close to nature and a general home person. The Sheep is apt to mother or even smother the objects of his affections. He is possessed by varying moods and finds it impossible to work under pressure. He also finds it difficult to be objective...
And so it goes on. How much do you believe in astrology? Me, not much - yet it is difficult to ignore. I can ignore the newspaper horoscopes though! Maybe if I knew my time of birth (adopted, so no records) I might get a full reading, but do I want to know the future?
I have often thought I would like to get a full body scan (can't afford it) to see if there are any lurking illnesses, but as my belief is re-incarnation, I shouldn't be worrying about earthly matters like that. I am sure most people would rather accept the future as it comes. If you did know something, how could you carry on effectively? No, think it best to live each day at a time.
Yet people spend fortunes having telephone readings on premium rate telephone numbers - mostly women! No comment.
Over and out. Feel a depression coming on...

Thursday 7th February 2008

erixlife update

Out in the early spring sunshine over Watford, and what a pleasure - flocks of starlings singing in the tree outside Costa, where I sat to enjoy my cappuccino, Tshirt clad young males parading past, and a friendly assistant in the shop, who served me. What a great start to the day (yesterday).
I usually write my blog ahead of the next day so I can upload first thing when I wake up, or if I am up late the night before, I'll do it then. Feel committed to writing once a day... must keep my audience happy?
Recently signed up with Google AdSense, supposed to be good for bloggers? I think I've earned 24 cents so far, but the ads are pretty boring in layout and content. I do not expect to earn anything worthwhile from this, but its good to have Google on board. Think I will opt for the targeted small ads, which link with text in the blog - that could be interesting! Have these ads just on the main blog pages, so PLEASE click on the ads! I have included the excellent search function on every page. This works really well, and will be a great asset for us all. Please USE it or we LOSE it!
I read that Microsoft are trying to outdo Google by bidding for Yahoo (including Flickr). Remember Netscape - wiped out by mega Microsoft, although they were fined millions. When I started, Yahoo was the world leader, and I remember they boasted that their index page would always load in something like 3 seconds - that was good then. Google came along with better technology, and a new drive to be the best, not just as a search engine, but by providing a whole menu of opportunities, and they are...
Although my readers come from mainly the UK, US, France, Spain and Australia, they are also from every other continent as well. I would welcome more comments from you all - either for publication or not. The comments button is for your feedback to be published if appropriate, and that now appears at the end of each item. Your ideas and thoughts are very welcome. I would publish your photo as well if you wished, with or without your email address.
You may be interested to know that 75% of viewers come as referrals, 15% directly, and 10% from search engines. Some people write me rude comments, and I have offers I could not possibly accept, but so far no cheques! A publishing contract would be very acceptable.
My future aim is to write an autobiography, perhaps incorporating some of the blog, but at least the whole exercise will stimulate me into action. It is good brain activity, and I often delve into the dictionary or thesaurus for a meaning or more expressive word. I have always loved English Language, and I find this is an excellent opportunity for me...
Thank you for reading it.

Wednesday 6th February 2008
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pc support
I am busy at the moment helping a friend with her new laptop. She is an oldie with no previous experience! Help! It is so difficult teaching an older person (anything) but I am very patient. Another friend in Cornwall has acquired a pc, and has very little knowledge or experience. It is even more difficult helping over the telephone. They are both running XP, but don't you find that you forget so much about operating systems when you upgrade to the next one (Vista). She is very willing to learn and accepts my every word as gospel - trouble is she remembers what I said previously, and reminds me that I told her differently before!
The one thing that is lacking with elderly newbies is a passion for computing, and a love of the internet. I remember struggling for hours at a time, manual in one hand, coffee in the other - until the early hours. This was my gradual learning curve. This was how I learnt to master Windows 95, the internet, email and running many software programs. Trial and error. Learning from my mistakes. For younger pupils with peer support, and guidance from parents, teachers and the IT department at school, it is much easier now.
Why do older people start? Well I admire them for trying, but unfortunately without the time input they are never going to achieve much. They might learn to write email by rote, or search the web with Google, but it will be a struggle. It is so easy for us by now and we forget how it was. Modern pc's and broadband connections make it a joy to use. Although retired folk allegedly have a lot of time it is a pity they don't put more into their computer learning, and practice.
When I speak to PD in Cornwall and enquire about his progress he casually states that he hasn't switched it on for two weeks - that explains why I didn't get a reply to my email... His problem (one of many) is that he is so stubborn, and reluctant to try new ways of doing things. I explain there are several ways of doing the same thing, but he won't have it, and gets cross with me! He doesn't understand the question, so how can he arrive at an answer? I suggested he joined waitrose.com for his dial up, and as they offer free 24/7 support I thought this would be ideal. Well it all went wrong from the beginning because he has a strange idea of what an email address should be. To me it is as close as possible to one's real name. Why would he choose some useless and irrelevant name (which got mis-spelt when being set up by the clerk) and the same happened with the password - he can't remember that either!
My neighbour V, turns the whole thing into a social occasion, and prepares tea and cakes for each appointment, which is very nice but lets get on with it... When we do get going, her cat joins us on the desk, and walks around the laptop, trying to "help" by extending a paw towards the keyboard - that's all I need isn't it...
All rather frustrating, and two hours is all I can cope with. Very bad for my blood pressure... and now I need a G&T!!!

Tuesday 5th February 2008

friends
We choose friends, but are stuck with family! When I say friends I am not referring to that dreadful American tv sit-com, nor am I thinking about friendsreunited - great site, but although I have looked up myself and read about the other boys from my year, and what they have done... Well lets say that I wouldn't register, and tell them about my life. Whilst they may be interested, I have fallen into the trap of measuring success in life by financial criteria! So, although at my great age (of wisdom?) I still think it may be better to "move on". I am not one of those people who sends the Christmas letter with the cards - full of boring facts about how much money they have spent of holidays, cars and other possessions. If I really was a Buddhist monk or similar, then it would be wrong to boast about one's life, so they wouldn't know anyway.
My friend from Worthing has cancelled her visit to me this week, because of a cold. Well at first I didn't believe her (she sounded OK on the phone yesterday) but whatever her reason, if she decided this, well at least she told me as early as possible. Her need not to come is greater than my wish to entertain (and show off my place, and the recent acquired possessions!). So I accept what she says graciously. It is always best to believe (and accept) what people say, rather than question everything, and end up by not listening at all.
Being a friend is actually quite difficult, think of it as a platonic relationship. The give and take must be well balanced, and being there for them as well as yourself is important. Communication too, saying how it is, and not how you would like it to be. Being honest, and this can be hard - when you are drawn between telling the truth and sparing their feelings. Not being a mind reader, and getting it wrong. "I thought you meant..." can be a preliminary to disaster. If you wait until they finish what they are saying you might understand more. Don't interrupt to get your point over, listen a bit more...
Accept the beauty of silence between friends, no need to be embarrassed. Don't judge them. So many of my friendships have failed because they did not come up to my expectation - how presumptuous of me to think that, and perhaps I didn't deserve their friendship? I have let so many people down, but I strive to do better, and make new friends.
There is no instant formula for getting it right, and being matched by "experts" is no guarantee either. Should we have similar interests or be quite different, I don't know...
Above all, appreciate your friendships, and why not tell them so? Accept praise and gratitude, thankfully.
As I have become older (and wiser?) I allow myself to be more selective - why should I put up with a lot of rubbish from so called friends. If they take more than they give, they are out (of the address book) and email contact list. Sometimes they fight it though and I have had to change my mobile number and block their email access. I've been stalked by both male and female!
But nowadays, no one seems interested... Agh!!!

Monday 4th February 2008
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should I help
Have a dilemma, need your help - should I help a friend at a regular book sale? I used to, by processing card sales and packing for customers, but two book sales ago he said he didn't need me (some woman was muscling in on my area) and put me on car parking! So one sale ago I sent him an email saying I wouldn't be able to help at that sale. He wrote back rather sharply, and I feared an email ping pong, so waited until after that sale to briefly say that I hoped to "maybe" help him again at a future sale. Well the last one took place at the weekend, and I didn't help (or advise him that I wouldn't).
So this is the unresolved conflict - should I (eat humble pie?) and do the Buddhist thing by going back and helping - but perhaps in a different area OR stay away, and let this fester away in my mind?
I have said to people that current problems are usually the cause of unresolved ones from our past, that we are carrying around with us. I use the story of a person dragging an enormous sack of potatoes - each one representing a past problem and rotting away in the bottom of the bag - the contamination spreading upwards as they lay there unattended!
So, is this me... What shall I do. Do I need to compromise - mainly for my own sake?
One reads of a victim forgiving their perpetrator, often for the most awful action, yet they must themselves feel so much better for this. It may take time, but I feel by letting go, they are doing the right thing. We need to move on, from so many things in our lives, particularly the pain of death or the way we have been treated...
We must be more in control of our emotions. We only get angry if we let ourselves! Think of the wasted energy of anger. Lets use that energy for positive good, and let go. Think of the long term effect if we don't let go. One can see so many people with pent up emotions, and how unhappy they are. So many built in feelings are stored from childhood, so many fears, so many phobias. It will take some people a lifetime of therapy to rid themselves of these.
A Canadian pilot had a sudden nervous breakdown while flying above the Atlantic. The co-pilot took over, and the poor guy was handcuffed to a seat (away from the cockpit) as he had become so disturbed. A sorry tale, but I wonder if this could happen to us by not dealing with issues as they come along, rather than storing up trouble for the future?
So, guess I have the answer - thanks for listening!
Now the other problem is about my lack of a partner... Here I go again!

We all have a bad day/week - it is all to do with with stars, food that we eat and the bad energy we get from people!
If you enjoyed working at the book fair and your friend has a good heart, then carry on - if not, move on!
CK (UK)

Sunday 3rd February 2008

once a week
What does Sunday mean to you? Is it church or roast dinner (lunch), boot sale or jazz in the pub. Maybe staying in bed is your favoured activity. The one thing that we will probably all end up doing is shopping! For me, now a Sunday is hardly any different from any other day. It may be a reduced public transport service, and certainly later opening of the shops.
It used to mean Sunday School, church (twice) as I was a server at the high Anglican church of St Lawrence in Eastcote. I started as a boat boy (carrying the incense container) was promoted to Acolyte (candle carrier), then Thurifer (swinging the burning incense) and later the cross bearer. I did this for many years, under the guidance of closet accountant and MC, Mr CG. There is so much gayness amongst church people, and they are all at it, under their cassocks! At this time in my teens I thought I had a vocation to the religious life, and saw myself as a monk in an enclosed order... Did go to Nashdom Abbey in Buckinghamshire for a while, and to some retreats at Walsingham, but just grew out of it. Expect I fell in love with another boy...
Sometimes I would be working on a Sunday, especially when I was self employed, but mainly weekends were mine - with nothing to do except "be". I was never one of these active types who would always be doing something. Like they were afraid to be on their own, or alone with their thoughts. I have always been interested in meditation. This is something one can do at any time for short or long periods, even while waiting at the bus stop, or in a queue at the post office. Done properly it can induce a wonderful sense of calm and peace, better than any pill, almost as good as sex... what's that?
Sunday should be for "quality time" with partners, family and children. The one day when hopefully they can share some time and space, especially eating together - a reducing activity in most households. Apparently, dining rooms are being phased out (hope not the dining room table) because of conflicting multi-activity families.
At my parents home, we had a dining room, with a dining table. It was the "best" room, and very under used even then. I did my homework in their, my father did his correspondence and accounts, and we had tea there with visiting friends and relatives. Of course we had Sunday lunch there and every other important occasion, but never breakfast - that was at the kitchen table. It was a very ordinary semi detached house, and everyone I knew lived in the same manner.
Except one day, when I was invited to a real country cottage by one of the neighbours, and the two children. His mother had died and left them a detached cottage with four acres at Bledlow in Buckinghamshire. It was a dream chocolate box situation... yes and it did have roses growing up against the side of it. It was painted white, with black beams and thatched. The inside had very low ceilings, and narrow stairs, with small windows - but the view in all directions was delightful. Uncle Harry, as I called him was an insurance broker, and the first one in our street to get a car. So what an adventure to set off for the weekend. I can't remember what we did, except that on the Sunday morning Uncle came in and disturbed John and I, who were having a good time under the blankets... probably the first time I was interrupted!
Is there a strategy for this - do you jump out of bed, no, as you are most likely nude - or pretend they are not there? Could be difficult. I think ignoring the interruption is best, they will be more embarrassed than you, so just say as little as possible and when they have gone, carry on - before you go off the boil. Never refer to it again, and deny it, if ever tackled again by the onlooker. Have a pact with your lover to agree the same tactics.
I never get "interrupted" nowadays... Oh dear! Sad old queen.

Saturday 2nd February 2008
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cold spell
Another bitterly cold day, with forecasters enjoying their predictions of "real weather". They hate it when everything is calm and boring. See how they come to life with news of gales, rain and snow. Their digital maps, full of symbols bring fear to our cornflakes! When they say only travel if you must, is this an invitation to stay at home? Tell the boss that!
In China, they are unable to get home for their New Year - the worst weather for 50 years, I hear.
In the UK, we never seem able to cope with snow or leaves. Roads become impassable, trains can't operate, and so what do people do - stay at home? Even in the US, where the east coast area seems to get very bad snow and ice most winters, things just stop. Power lines freeze, so heating fails, and the elderly die.
In France one August a few years ago, they had a heat wave, and thousands of neglected elderly died, as their family and friends were sunning in the south!
I am fortunate in that if it is either cold or hot, I can stay indoors most of the time. I'd rather go out in the cold though. As a December baby, I seem to prefer that to the heat of the summer. I have found recently (with age) that covering my head is a great help to keeping warm, and putting on the outdoor coat - indoors, before going out, really helps with preserving one's inner warmth. Of course layers of clothes are the best way to insulate oneself. Getting cold and wet is usually a disaster waiting to happen. I have always hated wearing gloves, but now keep some woolly ones (without fingers - market style) in my pocket at all times. Even if it doesn't seem so cold when I go out, having them with me has been a great help.
As an "advanced" driver (passed the IAM test 3 times in 30 years) I well remember my first skid on black ice one Saturday morning - I even remember the time! It was a horrifying experience... I was approaching a junction and turned the steering wheel too quickly, causing a front wheel skid. Although the wheels were turned, the tyres had lost their grip and the car went careering forwards - mounting the pavement, crossing the verge and crashing through the garden fence, ending up stationary in the middle of their lawn! All because of speed. After skid pan training and later anti terrorist driver training, I manager to avoid skidding in future. I took all the advanced driving tests I could, RoSPA, League of Safe Drivers, and the IAM. There was a nasty accident on the A24 in Sussex when a car in lane one, pulled out in front of me (dual carriageway) and so we collided - maybe I could have anticipated this? In Yorkshire on another dual carriageway, approaching a roundabout with traffic lights, I was in lane one with an enormous HGV on my right. As we moved forward, the lorry's large wheels gouged the offside of my car like a tin opener! We stopped, but I was trapped inside - crying with the shock! The next thing I remember was being rescued by a fireman - with a big helmet. I was in hospital for possible concussion, but otherwise OK. With the proceeds of the claim I bought a new PC - which in those days cost 4 figures!
Now, where's my hot water bottle?

Friday 1st February 2008

new birth
A neighbour has a new grandchild, and the family are celebrating. I've seen her (love babies) and she is the tiniest thing you have ever seen. A person in miniature, yet the size of my teddy bear. How incredible. I can understand girls getting broody. Not that I would want to swap! One hears about all that pain, maybe its hyped up eh? Would I want to look like a pregnant woman? Sadly one of the ugliest sites! I remember a nude photo in a top magazine of some celebrity mother, about 8 months... Yuck! Surely it would be better to get one ready-made from Boots?
Although I love children, and will always make contact with them by pulling faces - from a distance, because some parents are a bit over protective of their kids. It doesn't do to talk to little ones any more, although I had to grab a little girl who was about to wander out of the cafe door onto the street, in Hemel Hempstead. Luckily mother was appreciative! When mothers notice they are suddenly not the centre of attention, they look around to see what baby is looking at - me! Sometimes they sort of smile, but in the main seem jealous of this?
Couples, parents and single mums are a million miles from single people, and it is difficult to socialise. Not that I would want to that much - all this endless talk of babies! Wherever they are gathered, the children are always the centre of attention. The useless talk strays from how much the kid looks like one of the parents, although now most babies seem to have a different father, to irrelevant topics such as feeding or changing. I am sure women do NOT need to breast feed in public. There seems to be a baby mafia in force, with mothers' rights at the forefront - what about my rights. Next, the kids will be peeing on the pavement...! Suppose I got my dick out...? Now, steady on there!
It is a pity some people don't need to get a licence before having offspring. I could do better! Shouting at them is not going to work. What about actually talking to them first - not stuffing them with E-numbered sweets. See how differently they behave in Waitrose, compared to Tesco! Books are better than plonking them in front of the TV. In a doctors waiting room I showed a book to a noisy and bored kid. Got him to talk about the pictures, say the words. His mother was amazed, like she had no idea what to do. Perhaps if they had less kids they could manage better?
Now immigrant mothers are breeding like rabbits and the NHS says it can't cope! Foreign mothers are claiming benefit for their children - back home...!
And all I want is a holiday in Barbados!