e r i x l i f e - blog - photos - and more

Retired from professional massage (and tuition) as no therapy table, and too many aches and pains!

Monday 31 March 2008

perviette
My "new name" given me by "straight" friend today over coffee in Watford. We were discussing all manner of things and as usual, sexual issues and experiences. He is allegedly straight and has been married twice, with grown up kids, and grandchildren, yet there is something about him that occasionally bothers me. He says I am the only person he can talk to in confidence, and shares his most intimate secrets. He asks me about masturbating and other things, which is unusual. He wants to know how big I am, and often "touches" me (not there) a bit too much. Yet, he is a tactile person, and enjoys a hug and a kiss with his many platonic women friends. I feel I have to be on my guard with him, and when we are alone I am a bit wary at times. I do not fancy him, and would never relent to anything physical, even if he said it, rather than hinted at it. Mutual friends think he is "strange" and wonder about his sexuality. I have told him is he a butch hettie, and the gayest straight man I know. I must be careful what I say, so that he does not think I am leading him on...
Another male friend will sometimes act strangely (for a straight man). He too has a son, and was divorced, but is less forthcoming that friend number one. I see less of this one, but sometimes feel he would like to see "more of me" if you know what I mean. I am similarly not interested.
Now, either I am imagining things about these two guys (doubt it) or to them, straight means gay, but acting as straight? If they are interested in me, why don't they say so. They must know that even if I didn't want to do anything about it, I might be flattered. Or are they being totally arrogant, and assuming that because I am gay, I would be interested in ALL men, irrespective of their character or physical type? Do they think I have a permanent hard on? They might think I fancy them just because of my open sexuality?
I will never know, because I will never let it happen, and I don't think they will ever cross the boundary...

Sunday 30 March 2008

complaints
The sign of a good organisation must be how well they deal with complaints. Do they have a strategy, trained staff? Is there a follow up to ensure a satisfactory resolution? I think people do complain more now, with greater consumer awareness of their rights. Firms have responded in different ways, and many publish their returns policy for example. Most large stores have a place to return items for a no quibble refund, but this often seems abused by (typically) customers of Marks and Spencer. I very rarely complain, unless it it is completely justified. I feel anxious if I have to return something, even if it is obviously wrong, but it has become easier with the relaxed approach by staff. Thank goodness.
I have a woman friend who makes a hobby of returning things, irrespective of whether they have been opened, worn or even damaged! She doesn't seem a particularly assertive person, until it comes to "what she wants". She has a cool approach (I have been with her on some occasions) as she bursts into the shop, looks for the most senior looking person she can find in 20 seconds, and then starts speaking to her (or him) even if they are with another customer! This blunt technique amazingly seems to work, because in no time, the other customer is despatched to someone else, and my friend is ushered to a quieter part of the store for a one 2 one. She states her case very clearly, always saying what she want from the encounter. She has no shame and I am stunned by her audacity. To me it seems totally unreasonable that she is asking for a refund after, what in effect is her changing her mind about a product or service. There is no way the organisation can recover the price by re-selling the item, yet eventually they will agree to her terms and conditions. They will say as "a gesture of good will..." and she gets her money back! The trouble is that we are having to pay for her extravagance, and along with shop lifting, it raises the costs of the goods.
In Waitrose recently I witnessed a double refund to a customer who had eaten one chocolate from an Easter selection and "didn't like it". Unbelievable.
There's fair and "fair", and I don't subscribe to this legalised "robbery" from businesses.

Saturday 29 March 2008

train
I intended leaving Plymouth on the First Great Western 0947 service, and as it was raining my friend had arranged to pick me up from the B&B and drop me at the train station in good time. Neither of us like long goodbyes, so it was a quick hug 'n go. After buying a newspaper and a computer mag I sat in the Pumpkin train side cafe, and ordered a de-caf cappuccino from the very slim camp young man (with the cutest arse). He was obviously overcome with my attention that he short changed me! That sorted I relaxed alone, and watched the world of Plymouth pass by. So many people were heading for platform 7, I checked the timetable, and thought it best to catch the next (fast) train one hour later - it only stopped at Exeter and Reading, arriving 3 minutes after the earlier departure.
It duly arrived to another packed platform (so many children) and I jostled my way to the nearest carriage. Knowing there would be many reserved seats, I was determined to sit at the very first vacant (unreserved) position I could find. It was just inside, the young woman sitting in the window seat, had amazingly not spread herself all over the aisle seat, and I hastily put my case on the rack. My bright blue suitcase with wheels is like a long sports bag, swallows a load (didn't mean to say that!), and is slim so I can rush up and down the corridor without scraping passengers legs on both sides. I removed my colourful sailing anorak and folded it carefully, before placing it under my seat. Then I sat back with the paper and glanced around the carriage as we slipped away from the platform. I think every seat must have been taken, but I was safely aboard and knowing that we should be in Paddington in 3 hours was comforting. It was soon time for another coffee, and the buffet was in the next car. While waiting for my milky coffee (no cappuccino) I noticed a miniature brandy, so ordered that as well. I am a nervous traveller in any mode, and thought this would help. Back at my seat I emptied half the tiny bottle into my coffee and it really tasted good! Exeter came and went, along with spectacular scenery (through the window). Inside the train I was often distracted by passing legs, going forwards and backwards, so much so that I had to put the newspaper down to concentrate on the passing trade. All shapes and sizes. Fantasy in overdrive. All male Heaven...
Suddenly its Reading, and almost there. People start getting impatient, rushing to the toilet, packing things into their bags, standing up, sitting down. Then by Ealing they are making their way forward to stand by the nearest exit doors, but do not know which side the platform will be on. Ha Ha. What is the point of this? It happens every time on every trip, even the bus. They try to stop it in aeroplanes for obvious reasons, but the "sheep" mentality kicks in and suddenly its survival of the fittest!
Eventually the train slides to a halt, and I wait until most people have gone before I get up to put my jacket on. My original next seat passenger is still there, and thinks the same as me. I am one of the last to leave the carriage, and saunter towards the barrier, but it wouldn't open after I inserted my ticket! I forgot to take it out - which activates the release...
The time is exactly 1345. Great. I'll be home in another hour so so.

Friday 28 March 2008

limo
When a stretched limousine passes you on the street, do you wonder what is going on inside, behind the smoked glass windows? Well if it was in Hollywood, it may be a film star going shopping, but if it is any town in Britain, it is more likely to be a loud group of "Essex" girls or "wags" on a raucous night out. Look for the white handbags and matching stilettos!
They are certain to be out on the razzle, and drunk out of their minds. If they have all their clothes on, you'll be lucky. I've seen them standing up in the sun roof space, shaking their ample white boobs, and screaming obscenities at passers by. I've seen their legs hanging out of windows, and waving skimpy kickers at shocked old ladies on the pavement. Builders by the side of the road seem to appreciate the spectacle, but I pity the poor chauffeur, and many of them seem to be owner drivers. I wonder what sort of deposit they demand in advance, in case of having to clear up the vomit?
Here's a joke about Essex girls... What did the Essex girls' left leg say to her right leg? Nothing, they never met!
Even when an "Essex" girl gets married, she won't be able to give up the stretch limo, so will arrive at the register office or even the church in a white one, or maybe a pink one - I've seen them in many garish colours! I wonder how many people you could fit in a limo? Even more intriguing, how many children have been conceived in one?
Now, after the Budget, perhaps the cost of operating one will be so prohibitive that they will disappear from our roads? But what do you do with an old limo? They could be used by local dial-a-ride services, to take elderly people to the nearest post office - probably quite a distance now so many are closed!

Thursday 27 March 2008

smell
He sat silently next next to me on the train. I saw him (looking out of the corner of my eye) a mature, upright, tall, heavy man, quite well dressed (with yellow trousers!) BUT instantly he arrived, I smelt him! It was the odour of an old person, the smell of clothes in a charity shop - impregnated body odour, which the volunteers imagine they can extinguish by steam pressing clothes. Or, it was the smell of an unwashed bum (sorry!) or unwashed feet?. I suppose it could have been the smell of a pipe smoker, but I have almost forgotten this smell. However it was very unpleasant and for the next few miles I was trying to identify the source. I never managed it completely, but the exercise helped me cope with the stench.
Do you think he knew or cared about his state. Surely he couldn't live with anyone or they would have tried to sort this out? It is like regular BO, so often the owner is unaware of their state. I can't think how this is possible, but once a colleague at work suffered from this condition, and we all wondered why his wife had not dome something about it. Then, at the Christmas Party we knew why - she stunk as much as he did!
Our manager was reluctant to approach him (can't think why?) so one day one of us (not me) got so fed up they shouted out angrily, that he should have a shower. Well, he was embarrassed and initially there was an improvement, but soon it was back to "normal". I believe some people actually have no sense of smell, so I suppose this could be a factor? When you are in a room with a BO sufferer, it is usually so pungent that even after they have left, you think you can still smell it. The smell of fried onions or burgers can induce the same horrendous pong.
One of the greatest turn off's is a potential lover, you have almost seduced, when they take their underpants off! - to the shower immediately. Even worse is when they take their socks off. Keep them on, I have said, and put their trainers outside the front door. When its this bad, there must be an infection with live bacteria enjoying their host. There are sprays for this, but washing feet and socks is vital. Repeat, washing socks. They are so cheap nowadays, there is no excuse for not having several pairs so that some are washed and drying. They can be washed by hand if no washing machine available. Easy, just do it - please.

Wednesday 26 March 2008

greed
Dr Rowan Williams (much maligned Archbishop of Canterbury, and leader of the Church of England) may have been reading my blogs before he gave his Easter sermon in Canterbury Cathedral? He was talking about death and "greed" - something I have been harping on about for ages. He wonderfully said that the luxuries we take for granted cannot be sustained forever, and suggests that one day civilisation will collapse. Society assumes there will always be enough to meet our desires - enough oil, power and territory. He links this whole concept, with the fear of death that modern culture struggles with, because we as individuals can't contemplate an end to our "acquiring". This is us becoming arrogant, and imagining we are in complete control, when we aren't. Look at the climate changes and natural disasters that occur anywhere in the world. San Francisco is "waiting" for another big earthquake. How many governments have control of the nuclear bomb? Will there be another tsunami or will the earth be struck by a large meteorite? Look at the financial crisis just beginning globally. Who will know how far reaching this could be.
The presumed "security" that comes with possessions is false, and is (in my language) the culture of collecting. I am so against this mind set, and limit my activities. I will not allow myself to "collect" anything. I often think of the real scenario of some official coming to the front door and saying that you have 15 minutes to leave, with whatever you can carry. What would you take? Think about it... the photographs, the computer, the children... Difficult eh! Don't think this may never happen. Ask those people in the flood areas last year - it happened to them. Be prepared. Consider what is important in your life. So much is irreplaceable, but what is really important? When you die, you can't take anything with you, and this is the most thought of all. Are you ready for that journey?
The archbishop, naturally for an Easter sermon, says "...death is not the end" and this must have been well received by believers and non-believers alike?

Tuesday 25 March 2008

stranger
A term often cloaked in sinister dark images, used in the title of several books and films... and where I'm at right now. I'll explain, a very friendly guy is emailing me, after discovering me on the net, thru erixlife (which is what I want) but I find myself reluctant to move forward to the meeting stage. I have irrational fears about meeting someone new, a "stranger". I have delayed, yet he has met every criteria, even written a lot about himself and sent photos. OK a lot of previous attempts have failed because people are so reluctant to send a photo, and I will not budge on that one. It is such a simple request, and NO headless pics will not do! I ask for a little background, not a one liner. He has "passed" with flying colours, and he works, seems well established. So many want a one night stand, or to be supported for the rest of their miserable lives.
So what have I got to complain about - nothing, yet here I am still waiting to pick the phone up. Is it a phobia or am I being silly and nervous. I am not "playing hard to get" (not at my age, for goodness sake!). If I don't do something soon, he'll think its his fault and go away. Never, it is my fault, and I'm sorry.
Its all to do with history, so many unfortunate meetings with strangers. The man on the train, the foreign student in the theatre, the passenger on the plane, the gardener in the park, and of course the guy in the cottage. It used to be the excitement that turned me on, but I have matured since those days, and now seek something different, something better. Of course although they were strangers, there was actually little or no conversation! It was anonymous contact, and I now seek something else.
Maybe it is a sort of self preservation. A feeling of inadequacy perhaps - increasingly with age I am sure, or a fear of intimacy - yet its only arranging to meet out for a coffee. There is no obligation, so why am I being so girlie about this. Perhaps I feel it may lead to something good, and am denying myself this potential pleasure. I don't know...
Anyway I have just made the first contact by phone - a polite text to enquire whether it was a good time to talk. Very quickly I got a friendly text back saying he was busy just now, and to phone tomorrow. Great, so we have made "contact" and now I have to do it all over again. If I can overcome the "fear" of dialling, and hear his voice, I am sure all my absurd feelings will melt away...
We'll see, but I am more confident about this now.

Easter Monday 24 March 2008

blog 200
Who'd have thought I could keep it up! I feel this is a real achievement, and am commemorating with two candles today!
Meanwhile the top English Roman Catholic Cardinal is protesting (where's the Archbishop of Canterbury?) about experiments with human and animal embryos. I am protesting weakly too, but feel it is inevitable (like euthanasia). I supported the ban on fox hunting and am against experiments on animals. The human condition is sacred, but all life is to be respected and protected. I would prefer to catch and release a flying insect outside, rather than kill it. Yet if an animal runs into the path of the vehicle I am driving, I have been trained to continue without diversion, because of the obvious potential consequences. I am a part-time vegetarian, but do wear leather shoes! So what a dilemma. The same with the ongoing current conflict about human and animal...
We'd all like to see the back of crippling conditions like Cancer and MS, but at what cost to the uniqueness of the human condition. Will this interfering with nature begin the destruction of the human life form, or the beginning of a new super era when we rule the Universe? Is it right that babies should be born simply to provide spare parts for others. What happens to them once their purpose is served? Will it be possible to create designer babies? Is this the reality of Hollywood drama? Who will decide, who's in charge? Seems like a H G Wells prediction come true.
Eventually I suppose the benefit of this could be the production of stem cells, which could cure conditions, which at present are unimaginable, but why do we need to inject human DNA into animal cells for research? The Cardinal talked of Frankenstein, and I think he has a point. We must be very careful, and proceed with caution. Already the scientists have publicly admitted to cloning a sheep, what else are they keeping secret about?
MP's should have a free vote on this moral and ethical issue, and we should should be well aware of the good and the bad points surrounding this contentious issue...
...and I thought I was Superman!

Easter Sunday 23 March 2008

Easter
Out to tea this afternoon, that most English celebration. A social neighbour has invited several of us for a get-together with home made scones and jam, plus Earl Grey tea - excellent. Will have to stay awake as best I can because I am used to my afternoon siesta on the bed, when I am at home. This weekend the cold weather has impacted seriously on life in Hertfordshire. We had sleet, hail, snow, wind and rain, on and off yesterday, with some sunshine in the late afternoon.
When I woke around 5pm (yesterday) the telephone was ringing, my friend from Sussex. Did he receive the photos from London, no, well I sent them first class, oh you mean the one of you in Hays Galleria (not on erixlife yet). YES. How annoying when people forget to acknowledge something like that. I send him lots of pictures of me and my activities, as he does not have the internet. My broadband connection failed this morning, and I was panicking, but remembered the age old remedy of re-setting. Disconnected the modem, then waited a few seconds - yes it was fine. This works well with so many electronic gadgets.
What a miserable time it is right now, and thinking about not renewing my subsidised Telegraph subscription. It is so much bad news the whole time. Whilst I find it "relaxing" to sit and read, the contents are quite depressing. Sometimes better not to know?
Wish I was able to read books more, and I have so many cheap old films from charity shops, why can't I view them? Perhaps I spend too long on the internet? Like most retired folk, I am still amazed how I managed to find the time to go to work. I often get out of bed between 0500 and 0600, and get a lot done then, but sometimes I go back to bed again, before "getting up".
Didn't receive any Easter eggs this year, but quite a few Easter cards.
Tomorrow is a special anniversary - watch this space...

Easter Saturday 22 March 2008

missing
Shannon is back, but Maddy is still missing - so many lost people! Thousands of people disappear every year, some are quickly reunited but many are never seen again. What a mystery this is? How do children and young people survive, as so often they go on impulse. Once I had a web site, telling people how to disappear, as I was fascinated by this whole subject. I was approached by crims (scary), and decided to disappear myself - what a coward! Planning is the key to success to go missing, and you have to be prepared to give up your old life completely, which can be quite difficult. The young son of an Australian High Commissioner disappeared some years ago in London, and amazingly he left NO fingerprints at the house - completely removed. This must have been meticulously planned, but why? We'll never know. His father wrote a book about it.
Charities do their best to trace the lost, and produce quite interesting age-enhanced images for people who have been missing for years. Rarely are missing people spotted though. Many will return voluntarily for a happy reunion. Often though, they will go again, because the problems there are unresolved. Just because we have a family, doesn't mean we have to like them. There is very little factual research on the subject, but apparently a lot of children go because of abuse - both physical and sexual. Young girls and boys can live on the streets and sell themselves, often to support a drug habit. It seems to be a downward spiral of depravity...
Many missing people must die (murdered?), and their bodies are never recovered. We simply don't know. It is a fact that the longer you are missing, the less chance there is of discovery, for one reason or another.
Imagine the terror of a parent or relative, not knowing where their loved one is, or whether they are still alive. My mother's brother was "missing in action" (never came back) during the war, and it devastated the whole family. How many sleepless nights, how many false sightings, and can you ever go out and leave the phone unattended, suppose they ring? The one call you cannot miss. Suppose you need to move, what a predicament. In an American movie, the wife of a lost husband re-marries and then the husband comes back... Has the wife stopped loving the husband because she thinks he is dead? How does she feel now? Presumably he still loves her.
The son of a famous tv actor, went missing when police wanted to question him about alleged pedophile activity. Unfortunately his father died, and he was unable to attend the funeral because he was still in hiding. What a tragedy. Conversely I often wonder why high profile people, obviously with money, attend court for the final judgement, which means a long stay in prison - when they could have fled to a tropical island for ever?
Anyway, I'm still here, if you want me!

Good Friday 21 March 2008

Good...?
Don't ask why its called that, and it is a public holiday as well - Good Friday, I am thinking about the Christian day of the death by crucifixion, of Jesus Christ. The most solemn day of the year in their calendar. My picture is by Dali, painted in 1954. I find it hard to say I am a Christian any more, but as a boy and teenager I was active. On Good Friday I would attend the three hour service between 12noon and 3pm, commemorating the time of His death, with prayer and contemplation. I expect most people will go out shopping if they haven't gone away for the previously traditional early holiday break. Now of course we go away all the time.
My parents and I always had a holiday at Easter to take advantage of the two bank holidays, but as the date of Easter varies (I forget the reason why) sometimes it would be quite cold - like this year (bitterly cold when I stepped out of bed this morning). One Easter week, I shared a small canal boat on the Brecon Canal in south Wales, with a young cabin boy, and it was snowing! Rather pretty, but so cold we sometimes stayed in bed until lunchtime... we did manage to keep warm though!
This is a Christian country, and the Queen is head of the Church of England. Our calendar is written around, and governed by church events, like Easter and Christmas, so I am not in agreement with the thought that because we are a multi cultural society we should deny our Christian heritage. Why should Christmas be renamed the Festival of Winter for example? If I choose not to attend church today, I do not complain it is called Good Friday! Ironically Easter Day (Sunday) is the only day of the year when large stores (over a certain square footage) must close - by law. Smaller shops are exempt from this rule. I am sure this will eventually be changed, but at the moment, because the Easter festival is so highly regarded by the Church of England, it stays.
This Easter weekend is expected to be a nightmare for travellers, with disruption on road and rail, but works to these services must happen at some time. We will complain whenever it is, won't we. As a boy, this time of year was generally a peak time for road accidents as people drove down to the coast like lemmings, the popular press seemed to delight in horrific headlines and torrid photographs of car crash victims. Amazingly the Christmas period seemed to be the time for train and plane crashes! Media manipulation I expect, when newspapers were king, as tv did not have the same impact. Now with the internet we know what is happening almost immediately. Most of the world events I pick up from my screen before anywhere else.
Easter seems to be the time for gardening, but with global warming, I notice these products are appearing in the shops and supermarkets earlier than ever. I wanted some draught excluder strip recently, and Dyas told me it had been banished to the stockroom because of the weather! Have you noticed how Cadbury's Creme Eggs appear just after Christmas, and how you can get Hot Cross Buns almost any time of the year. Anyone seen Christmas cards on sale yet?
By the way, I hope you haven't opened your Easter Egg yet - wait until Sunday!

Thursday 20 March 2008

identity
Right, I'm in Asda and can't find the quiche, so I march up to a person wearing a green and black top and say politely, can you help me find the quiche? No, she says... I don't know where they are! Slightly taken aback by the audacious negativity, I say rather sternly, well, is there anyone who can help me? I don't work here, she retorts. Oh, I am sorry! (Mistaken identity).
I expect this has happened to most of us at some stage. I remember people have approached me in the same way... or was it a chat up line? Staff usually wear identity badges, with their name on. Its rather good, because you can go up to good looking young male assistant, and say Hello (name). Could be a good opener? Doesn't do much for me anymore, but once upon a time... I was buying a 35mm SLR camera, and a helpful assistant guided me through the process of selecting the best one for me. He kindly "modelled" for me as I took a few pictures of him in the shop. I had decided on this particular camera some time before, but this way I was still talking to him. Remember this was before the days of digital cameras, so the photographs had to be developed. I rather cheekily said to him, would he like to come round to see the developed pictures, and maybe do some more modelling (I said he was a natural). Well, he said yes, and you can imagine the rest...
In Worthing once, I was getting on a bus, and as I climbed aboard and looked at the driver, I was amazed to see a "mirror image" of myself. This was the first time I had ever seen anyone resemble me so closely. He remarked on this, but I was in a bad mood, so stupidly dismissed the whole idea to him. People say we have a double somewhere, who knows?
There was a very good movie once about a young woman whose identity was "removed" by some secret spy agency, and how she fared - well not very well as you can imagine. We depend so much now on technology to prove our existence, perhaps we are just one step away from disaster. This could be the case with ID cards if something went wrong, or your identity was stolen. This seems quite a common crime now, and has boosted the sale of shredding machines, but there are several basic things we should do to protect ourselves, like NOT writing a regular blog, perhaps? Without a credit card (because of my financial situation) I use cash whenever possible, but this is increasingly difficult to achieve. Already cheque books are now reminders of the past, and too much cash is regarded with suspicion. To overcome this I use a top up Visa card. You pay so much onto the card, and this amount is then available for use within 20 minutes. It is very useful for ordering online for instance, but there are so many charges it can be an expensive way of doing it. The poor always have to pay more, don't they?
Now, any good looking young males want to be photographed?

Wednesday 19 March 2008

budget
Following The Budget last week, but mainly because of the increasingly worsening global financial situation, my thoughts are turning to the incoming wave of recession, repossessions and resignations of rulers? Perhaps it is inevitable that we are where we are, (and I have mentioned this before) because of greed. It is unsustainable, unnecessary and unfortunate. Where giant corporations boast of profit billions (more than a typical African state) and personal wealth has soared, no wonder that the casualties of this are the usual waifs of society - the unemployed, single parent families and the elderly (me?). The divisions are so unequal, we need to adjust, and probably the Universe thinks so too? If it sounds like I am a communist, well not really, but certainly as a caring, spiritual person I believe that we need to re-think our life and work balance, care more for others and rely less on material possessions. Move over, Archbishop of Canterbury, I'm taking over...
I was speaking to someone recently about the situation in (typically) Cornwall, where local people are unable to buy property because of the price inflation caused by second home ownership. He (having been the owner of more than one home) defended the rights of the rich, and said they should be entitled to buy what they wanted. Yes, well, there's the clash isn't it, and who will always win that one? With wealth comes inevitable power. Should there be individual power, or should it only be reserved for governments. Ask the peaceful Tibetans what they think of China? Is the collective power of government acceptable? Something to think about...
At this time of the year I am preparing my personal budget, as the new financial year approaches. It doesn't change much from year to year, as I exist on more or less a fixed income. It leaves little for luxury, and it only gets exciting when I receive a gift. I do have many generous friends, and since the collapse of my business in Worthing, I have learnt humility and gratitude like never before. Looking back, I can say this was a good experience, but painful at the time. Nowadays I prioritise, and decide what I really want. I have to choose between say, going to London or buying a book, throwing something away or replacing it, and choosing a cheaper item, when I would like the luxury model. This self discipline is so good for me...
I am going to use this energy to try and lose a stone in weight, as I have a bit of a bulge at present and will start my food diary on April 1st (serious, not a joke). Someone said WeightWatchers were good, as you could eat what you wanted, as long as you keep within your daily score. I'll need to check this out, and if I want to join, this may have to be another decision about paying for one thing OR another?

Tuesday 18 March 2008

crockery
Imagine my surprise when I undid the glossy gift wrapping paper, opened the large box and saw the "crockery" - actually a 16 piece porcelain dinnerware set containing 4 dinner plates, 4 side plates, 4 mugs and 4 bowls. It is plain white with a ribbed border. Simply perfection, and just what I wanted, as I am still using paper plates!
Ironically my elderly neighbour has only just donated (on permanent loan) part of her unused dinner service, which was a wedding gift. Unfortunately many of the items are chipped or cracked, and there are no matching cups left after all these years. I accepted gratefully, but do not like the floral pattern, with a gold rim. Now I will return them with an explanation and thanks.
It seems that cosmic ordering is again working for me. The list of necessary wants is reducing, and I am grateful for this amazing occurrence. I've written about this before... it is just fantastic.
The donor, someone I've only known a couple of weeks, and a friend of a friend, came to lunch last week, and realised my situation, so here it is, together with 4 cotton napkins (also white). I'll have to iron these! I was stunned with the generosity of the gift and quickly telephoned to thank him. He very modestly accepted my gratitude. Here was a happily married man, seeking nothing in return and giving me an unconditional gift. Wow!
In life, I have usually been the giver, so to receive in this way is a pleasant learning situation for me. It doesn't do to analyse these situations, but it is certainly flattering to be treated in this way. Early on I learnt that "to have a friend one needs to be one" (after Emerson) and in this case I had been friendly and a good listener, but beyond that, well no more than usual. I had offered a small Easter gift, without any thought of a return. I suppose without realising it, I had also offered friendship. That is good.
I have become more cynical with advancing age, and after many bad experiences had thought that no gift could be unconditional any more - how wrong could I be. What is more the gift was left for me at my friend's place, so he missed the usual pleasure of witnessing the joy of the recipient opening the parcel. How very unassuming of him. I think this is such a nice gesture.
Thank you for the very useful gift, and thank you for the opportunity to learn a little more about myself, and about life...

Monday 17 March 2008

tourist
Unashamed tourist for the day as a friend and I wandered the tourist trail along the south side of the Thames from Tate Modern, past the Globe Theatre, Golden Hinde, Southwark Cathedral, Borough Market, Hays Galleria, and City Hall to Tower Bridge, where we explored the inner workings, and went along the upper walkways with fantastic views up and down the river. The security at the Bridge was top level airport style with x-ray machines and a man scanning (no body searches!).
We've recently been to the Tate, so didn't go in. The Globe didn't appeal that much. The Golden Hind ship was closed until Easter, but Southwark Cathedral was open - with the organ playing. My first visit here, and what a delight. It is a compact cathedral, so had a warm feeling about it. Sat quietly in the Harvard Chapel, and then looked at the clergy practising their moves for a forthcoming service. The camp MC was directing, and their robes were monastic looking. Thought about the time when I was a teenage boy server! The refectory had an outside seating area, which was patrolled by a slim young man wearing black, with a Polish accent who was clearing the tables very efficiently. Wish he would come home with me and clear my table (and do the washing up!). He kept smiling at me as he approached frequently, even though there was nothing to take away from our table. He was teasing me I am sure, because he would approach, then at the last moment divert hurriedly to another table, but come past again on his way back inside with the dirty plates. My friend was trying not to notice my antics, and we eventually left him to it as we continued on. We visited the gift shop at the cathedral with so many tasteful items. I bought a votive candle with a sandalwood fragrance.
Our next stop was also a first time for me, Borough Market - all food and drink, but seething with customers, and full of really interesting and unusual items. We walked past London Bridge Station and the London Dungeon (been there) with an enormous queue - over hyped I am sure. Loads of stereotyped Americans with large stetson hats, and bulging stomachs were visible at this point. The tourist season is well under way, with coaches parked at every possible place. At the Hays Galleria, site of an old dock, we had a bagel and coffee, but no decaf, and no sausages. The bacon filling with salad was disappointing, but the passing scenery was very nice, so I suggested lingering a little longer! We went quickly past the City Hall - built to look as if it will collapse at any moment, but architecturally very clever.
So that was our day, and in between the sightseeing we discussed his 5 year life plan. I am afraid my suggestions fell on stony ground, but he may think some more about my wise counsel, later?
I am still thinking about the young man in black...

Sunday 16 March 2008

tit
The first official visitor to the newly erected bird feeder, was a blue tit. He flew down from the nearby tree branch, where he had been observing the ground feeding birds (magpies, pigeons and a crow or rook) plus parent and child grey squirrels, and he sampled the bird seed. Another container has the peanuts in, and also attached to the pole is an easy to refill water container. The other birds were picking up spilt food I had dropped when I was filling the containers after erecting the pole. It is securely placed in the ground and looks quite splendid. My elderly next door neighbour can now peep through her net curtains and watch the activity. The pole replaces a small non growing shrub. I levelled the earth in the circular bed, in the centre of the front lawn, and covered the flattened earth with a fine gravel. Around the pole I placed 3 medium sized tubs, containing different small shrubs. It is quite a feature which has attracted the attention of the neighbours as well as the birds. They are all asking me who has come to feed!
Amazingly it only took ten minutes from erecting it, for the first bird to arrive - a magpie, to eat the dropped seed and nuts on the lawn. I was still there picking up my tools, just feet away when he bravely descended to eat. He must have been watching from nearby and couldn't wait for me to quite depart the scene! Well I am thrilled, and this will be a frequent source of pleasure, to watch from my living room, all the anticipated activity.
I may be able to photograph some of the birds, and wouldn't it be great to set up a web cam? At my previous bungalow a few doors along I was visited by mallard ducks for the last two summers. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they returned, perhaps I should leave some food on the grass. They ate just about anything, and loved my bird seed... I'll let you know.

Saturday 15 March 2008 (no more date suffixes)

problem
This week I have encountered many problems personally - an elderly person suffering from prostate related issues, a young man who three times attempted suicide by jumping off a tree branch, but the rope around his neck broke each time! and a disabled customer in a supermarket who was so grumpy that he deliberately blocked the aisles to prevent others from passing him. It is said that a problem is an opportunity in disguise, well maybe so, but at the time of greatest need, this is not something most people would realise! I can see more clearly (when looking back at my own life) that my seemingly unsolvable problems were actually gateways to new chapters in my life. It often took me time to realise it though. Now it is easier for me, with that knowledge and experience...
Without support from family and friends it can be very isolating, and at times of weakness we usually don't have the strength to rise above our problems. In most cases they are impossible to solve without help, and I have telephoned the Samaritans before. I volunteered for them as a young man, and later for London Friend, so have some insight to the situation. My experience is that by helping others, you help yourself. So I try to think more about other people, than my own problems, and this puts things into perspective.
Recently I wrote about accepting reality, and this is a key factor in preventing problems arising. It is easier said than done, to say one must "get on with it" is not helpful, and we all need help sometime. Let's listen more, let's be more aware of other peoples' situations and hopefully we can be of use. You never know when you may want a little help yourself?
There is no substitute for professional help, whatever the problem maybe. Find out what is available, and don't be afraid to use it. Remember that "first aid" is not going to SOLVE the problem, we need to get to the cause and tackle that.
Dealing with others' problems can be very challenging, and most of us are probably unqualified to do so, but we are all people with similar emotions and feelings, so that's a good start.
You already know what my problem is...

Friday 14th March 2008

hypnosis
An ancient art for deceiving the mind and improving your life - just listen carefully and concentrate on what I am saying...
Sit back in the chair, and breathe s-l-o-w-l-y, let your shoulders relax... as the tension drains away - right down through your body and away from the soles of your feet. Look carefully at the image above, focus on the innermost point of the spiral. Do you think it is an ascending or descending shape? Without blinking, look deeply into the object and let your mind gradually empty of unwanted everyday thoughts, emotions and feelings. Your eyelids will feel H+E+A+V+Y... but you are still awake, and safe. Feel yourself to be at one with the icon and drawn into its mysterious being. You are part of the greatest secret of the universe, enjoy the peace and calm of inner tranquility. This is a wondrous and safe place, you can return to at any time. Picture the shape for future reference, so that you can meditate on this symbol when you need to withdraw from the worries of day to day life.
While you are in a state of wonderful peace, say to yourself what you intend to change or improve about your life. Do you want to be more positive, or give up smoking, or overcome a phobia? Say it, repeat it and mean it. Don't attempt too many intentions at once, and be realistic - make up your mind what you want to do, before you start. You can do this, you can achieve "anything" IF you want to. You can easily change your life. Get away from the comfort zone, feel the fear of change, and use the energy to master your inhibitions. You can take control of yourself, and be a better, happier person.
You can use this simple technique to unwind, relax - even while waiting at the bus stop, but don't try it while driving or operating machinery! It does work, and with some practise you will feel more in control of yourself, and better able to cope with almost any situation. It gets easier, keep practising. Tell your friends, its free to use...
Do this often and you will find you can make the experience last longer, and deeper. In time you will be able to more quickly enter a state of calm. To release, open your eyes (eventually you will even be able to reach this state with them open) and remain quiet for a while before continuing. Obviously if you are standing at the bus stop, you will need to remain a little more alert, than if you are sitting at home. However, try not to be too comfortable when you start, as it is not designed to send you to sleep, although many people adapt the process for this purpose. If you are aiming for more feedback, try sitting upright on a chair with your back erect, and slightly forward of the back rest. You could sit on a floor cushion, and may even wish to cross your legs - Buddha style.
Try it, and above all, enjoy... the book comes out next month!

Thursday 13th March 2008

future
Ever wonder about life in the future - I do, frequently. The future is affected by the past, and the present is independent of both. The subject of time is a fascinating one, and I am not clever enough to understand sufficiently. My photographs are a slice of time and space, recording an event that is unique, and never to be repeated. My memories encompass the broad spectrum of my life experience, and can become confused over time. Does the universe "remember" or is it a collection of random happenings? Does time alter or is it constant? Is there a parallel universe, or more than one - there are so many questions without answers.
My interest and concern about the future is more earthly, and more urgent because of the frighteningly quick impact of global warming. Over recent years, dramatic changes have occurred and will impact our daily lives increasingly. I can see a return to a basic lifestyle for billions as their homes and jobs are banished to memory. Hordes of people globally will have nothing, masses will die, and the earth will be on the brink of famine. The Darwinian line "Survival of the fittest" is now truer than ever, as mankind returns to a peasant economy. Life as we know it today will perhaps never return, and people will struggle to exist. Sea level rise will be mostly to blame as maps of continents are redrawn. Temperature changes and a drastic climate will cause mass migration, and today's possessions will become useless as power supplies dwindle. Put simply a mountain cave could become the greatest treasure on earth as man struggles to survive. Twenty first century skills become superfluous as people re-discover basic skills passed on by a select few. The whole of civilisation will become unrecognisable, and history (if there is one) will record a story of supreme courage as the "will to live" becomes the major force.
This return to basics will mean living life according to nature - daylight, the seasons and the moon. Living off the land, bartering for goods and the exchange of labour will be the foundations of the new world. Could you imagine life without tv, computers and all the electronic gadgetry we have become used to? Just think about everything in your life today, then take it ALL away. That's what it will be like...
But, because of the uniqueness of the human spirit, there will be a survival of sorts, by re-inventing ourselves. Those who can adapt to the changes will prosper, and we will continue.
There will be a future for some of us... Just make sure its YOU and ME.

Wednesday 12th March 2008

Greenback
As an animal lover, I suppose my favourite species is the cat. At one time I was going to leave everything in my will to the Cats Protection League, but have now changed it in favour of a person. Cats to me are like people, and in many ways they are superior - who else will always love you for who you are, rather than how beautiful you are or how much money you have. Who will love you unconditionally for ever, without the make-up, or when you are overweight and feeling ugly, and they excel at sympathy when you are feeling down. They are loyal friends for life. Yet they are independent and self sufficient. They ask for so little, and give back one hundred fold.
I have had the privilege to care for a number of cats in my life - it is difficult to say you "own" a cat. In every case they have actually cared for me as well. All I have done is to feed and water them, give them my love, and occasionally taken them to the vet. One cat shines out above all others. His name was Greenback and he lived next door, but increasingly he would visit us, and his stays became longer and longer, much to the annoyance of the "owner". He would collect him every evening and shut him in overnight, but each morning he would would be waiting outside our back door. We fed him, talked to him, stroked him and offered our laps for his convenience. Greenback would get cross if you attempted to do something else at the same time, and when he sat on my lap in front of the computer, he would frequently offer a paw to the keyboard! Help! Years went by, and the man next door surrendered to the cat's wishes, and gave up coming for him each evening. Occasionally he would visit for tea, and casually enquire about Greenback's health and welfare, but he could see he was happy and content with his life "next door" and never wished to return. He had been named Greenback after the American dollar note, and it seemed a suitable name, as he always answered with a meow, when called - even if he close not to come to you at that moment. Sadly the man next door died after a sudden short illness, and if was as if Greenback knew, because on the afternoon of his funeral, he wandered around to the next door garden, and was away for an hour or so - like he was paying his last respects. He had never been back since he was left with us, and never visited again.
It was many years later, and Greenback was quite elderly (we never knew his exact age) when one day we spotted a swelling just behind his left ear. At first it was quite small, but as time went on it grew in size. At that time it did not seem to bother him. Gradually he lost his appetite, and began to lose weight. The old sparkle had gone, and we knew his time was near. The vet confirmed this and said that we should be prepared...
A week later, and the vet arrived for his last appointment. We said our tearful goodbyes, with hugs and kisses, and I had to hold his paw, while the fur was trimmed, so that he could make the final injection. Greenback looked up at me, and maintained eye contact for as long as possible, then his head dropped, and he was motionless. He had gone! He was at peace and without discomfort. Later that day we buried him deep in the garden (so he was not disturbed by burrowing creatures), and afterwards planted a small bush in his memory, above the cardboard coffin.
Dearest Greenback, you are living forever in my heart.

What a sad story about dearest Greenback.
CK (UK)

Tuesday 11th March 2008

storm
Headlines around the world predicted the storm of the year for the UK, but luckily it is never as bad as they suggest. I was woken at 0500 yesterday by an irregular banging. I popped out of bed to identify the source, as it was too annoying to ignore. I traced the noise to the external meter cupboard door, banging against the wall. I rushed out to slam it shut, and silence reigned, but as I was up and damp, having experienced the wind and torrential rain - even for a few brief seconds, I decided to stay up and put the kettle on. I watched the early tv news, and already across the country there were stories and pictures of minor devastation. Throughout the day there were reports of cancelled ferries, road and rail disruption, trees and power lines down, roofs off, local flooding, especially at coastal sites - because of combined high spring tides and the low pressure. High sided vehicles were banned from certain locations, and there were colossal waves at western and southern coasts.
By mid morning in Hertfordshire, it had dried up, and I took the bus to Hemel Hempstead for coffee and some shopping. My star purchase was a DIY bird feeder with space for seed, peanuts, water, fat balls and even the kitchen sink! I bought some seed and nuts, so as soon as the weather is better, I'll be out there, erecting it. I am sure it will be a big attraction (the bird feeder). By the time I was returning, the rain had re-started and it was windy again - this was the second wave of the storm.
Spent the afternoon visiting neighbours and catching up on the gossip. It was sad and grey looking for the rest of the day, and I wore an extra layer all day. I talked to the neighbour recently returned from Mexico, and she gave me loads of leaflets to "read" (boring). Some of the experiences were interesting though. Next it will be an invitation to see the photographs! Another neighbour said she hadn't spoken to anyone for three days, so she felt better after our chat, and a third neighbour who is moving shortly was telling me about his suffering. He has lived there for 12 years, so it will not be easy for him. We all acquire more than we mean to, and when the time comes it can be quite overwhelming. I have moved so many times, it is nice to imagine that this is the last one.
My mother tried to simplify her life, paperwork and possessions, so it was easier than it could have been. Luckily she told me she didn't expect me to keep everything that she had accumulated during her lifetime. I sold most of her things, and as usual never achieved the true value of the items, but I needed to de-clutter and move on. I am not a sentimental person, and do not attach importance to possessions. I have upset people by this, but once a present has been received, I feel I have to right to do what I want with it - not keep it just because they gave it to me! I appreciate the sentiment behind the donation, but the present is the "present" if you know what I mean.
However all presents are very welcome...

Monday 10th March 2008

mail order
The latest ScrewFix (very butch dear) mail order catalogue just thudded to the floor in the hall. It is an enormous glossy publication - how many trees I wonder? And at what cost? However, I do love brochures and catalogues, they are so much easier to cope with than online shop pages. You can go backwards and forwards instantly, hold a place in the catalogue by inserting a finger (careful), or even bending the pages over. The first time I look through a (new) catalogue, I have to mark the pages somehow, otherwise I never seem able to find that item again! So I have a large collection of interesting catalogues filed away, which become a virtual wish list, as I can never afford to buy all the things I want to, immediately I see them listed. Perhaps this is a good job, because often when I review the catalogue, I wonder why I liked the object so much the first time around. This could apply to people as well! Maybe this is why there's always a flurry of activity just before the bar closes, because you couldn't get what you wanted the first time, so now anything is better than nothing. Terrible! But we've all done it.
If I do decide I really want something badly, I will compare the item in different catalogues, because it may be cheaper in another one. My hate problem is the cost of post and packing - could be even more than the item! This means either I don't buy it or buy a lot more than I need to justify the high cost of postage etc. Many items are sent separately, so that may put the cost up, but I do appreciate them not charging my debit card until the item is despatched - that's good. I wait anxiously for the item(s) to arrive, and of course if it is a large thing, I am bound to be out when the man calls (have you noticed how attractive these young men can be in their tight fitting, smart uniforms - I always ask them if they would like a cup of tea!) and it is always for something that needs a signature. They often have those digital machines now, so you sign with a gadget, which is so hard! There are many different returns policies, so check carefully before you purchase. I am not a person to change or return things on a whim, like some people have this as their main hobby. Occasionally I will be unhappy with something but otherwise I choose carefully in the first place. In spite of that I still have a number of items that I wish I hadn't bought, so they are in the recycled presents box, awaiting the next recipient.
The foreign catalogues are often the most interesting, particularly American ones. They have amazing things that you would never see anywhere else. Increasingly they have UK agents which does help with the potential delivery problem.
Now what I really need is a MALE order catalogue...

Sunday 9th March 2008

Brighton
Just back from trip to friend in Brighton - here I am in a posh restaurant at the Brighton Marina. Had a good time with lots of meals out, so delighted at the "no washing up". It is so good to be back, stayed an extra night as I was originally coming back in one of his cars but a fault developed at the last moment so returned by train. The trains on Saturdays are crowded with couples and families going out so there are less seats available than during the week, when I usually travel. I found a window seat, and placed my suitcase next to me in the adjacent seat space. I would have placed it between seats if there had been room. This train serves Gatwick Airport, but there is no provision for luggage. There are only four cars on this service and only one train an hour, so rather busy. Anyway it was an uneventful journey, with just one change, so OK.
I am delighted to be back home - even after a few days I miss it, and of course there is the post and email to deal with, phone messages, and the washing to do. I top up the bird bath, and put the bins away - the dustmen came on Friday. Lunch gets left until I am ravenous, then discover there is nothing to eat, except for the frozen food which needs defrosting. Being away means a major disruption in lifestyle habits, so it takes a while to get back into it again. I know I need to check my sponge bag for items that need replenishing, but most times I put it away, then when I am packing to go in the future I discover what I should have done before. I take empty miniature plastic containers to put shampoo, liquid soap and other liquids in. I try to travel light, but take a larger case than I need to accommodate all the extra things, I acquire before I return. I once came back with a coffee table. On a different occasion I managed to fold up a full size standard lamp, and the there was the printer... Well I had to abandon a load of dirty washing (knickers in every pocket!), and get rid of other items to fit it in - where shall I put the condoms and lube?. My case will expand a bit, but there are limits. It has wheels which are a big help, but tricky when a small piece of grit gets stuck in-between a wheel and the support - it does an emergency stop and I go leaping on without it. It is black and has only travelled overseas once. It started life as my "psychic fayre companion" and I carried all my bits which I used when visiting these events across southern England. Once upon a time it contained healing related items, and at other times, the tarot cards, crystal ball and other mysterious dark items... including my wand!
You didn't know I was a witch bitch did you?

Saturday 8th March 2008

talk
It happened unexpectedly in the supermarket cafe - a friend had driven 3 of us to Asda in north Watford for much needed shopping. It was mid afternoon, so a lot less people than normal. We had all finished our shopping in good time, and met in the cafe for something to eat and drink. Going at this time means I can eat something then to save cooking in the evening. Not my favourite activity, and I am still struggling to eat a balanced diet. I am thinking about Wiltshire Farm Foods who deliver a wide range of prepared meals, ready for the freezer. I don't suppose its any more expensive really, and one has the benefit of eating better and easier. I must order a trial box, and see how it goes.
So, we were seated at a table for four, in a remote part of the large cafeteria, and the only interruptions were from the PA system with "colleague announcements" at maximum volume! Three men and one woman, and she suddenly confessed her bitterness and resentment towards another neighbour, with whom she had not communicated for some years. They had been good friends and work colleagues in the past, but one day some dreadful deed occurred between these two women (which we didn't get to hear about). She protested her innocence, saying that notes had been unanswered, and now it had got to the point of both of them trying to avoid each other by not attending social functions to which they were both invited! She opened up with gentle prodding, but of course this was only one version of the affair...
We all suggested different remedies, without trying to take sides. I related a favourite invented tale of someone like her who was dragging around with her a virtual (large and very heavy) bag of rotten potatoes - each one representing a negative thought or unresolved situation. Because of the weight (and length of time they had been in there) the potatoes were going rotten from the bottom up. This was never going to improve because all the time new "potatoes" were being added to the bag. One day this bag will be completely impossible to carry or drag along any more, and this could be the time...?
By talking (and almost crying) to her closest friends, she had started the healing process. We must face the reality of our plight, not fantasize about how something should or could be. Together we worked out a rescue plan for her. She should write a long letter to summarize her feelings to her ex-friend, wait for a response, and if there is one, gradually try to mend the hurts of the past (on both sides). If there is no reply, move on and ACCEPT the situation is unchangeable. Adapt to a life that is slightly different. Adjust your thinking, change your behaviour. Compromise, and don't over analyse...
After all this, I think its time another coffee, all round!
Now, may I tell you about my problems...

Tuesday 4th March 2008

smoke alarms
Yes, I am sure they are a wonderful invention, and do save lives, but what a pain when you have to change the battery. No wonder people take them out! A neighbour called me to ask if I would put a new battery in her living room smoke alarm. She had a spare and I thought it would only take a second. When I arrived, she had the stool positioned and the new battery ready in her hand. Also she said would I stay for a cup of tea! First of all, I couldn't release the alarm from the ceiling. Ceilings are always just too tall to reach when standing on the floor, and on the stool I am feeling dizzy already. She doesn't help by grabbing my leg and saying "...are you all right, dear?" I don't like being watched when I am doing something. She stepped back as I stood down to review the situation, I needed something to insert gently to release the cover. Was it one that hinged down or came away in your hand? It looked rather ancient, and was almost painted into the ceiling. Because it was a mains fitting (still needs a battery as well) I was reluctant to probe with the scissors she offered, instead I saw a wooden letter opener, but that wasn't strong enough. It had to be the pointed end of the scissors, and well, suddenly it popped open, and then of course I couldn't get the old battery out. Eventually I did, and put the new one in. With a PP9 there is only one way to fix it. After securing the cover I wondered if I had put the old battery back or the new one, as they were the same make...
By this time, I didn't really care. At least the beeping had stopped, so it must have worked, and I was the local hero. Stayed for tea and chat, and inevitably we talked of the problems with these alarms - even doing toast or grilling something will usually activate them. What a curse, why can't we have an intelligent alarm that can differentiate between genuine smells, and burning smoke?
Now I am going home to do a toasted sandwich - standby...

Monday 3rd March 2008

rich
When I say rich, I am not thinking about the shortened version of the name "Richard" but rich as in money! Yesterday a friend loaned me a copy of the CGA magazine Country (Country Gentlemen's Association). The name says it all really, and the sweet smelling glossy paper exuded the vulgar taste of wealth. Features cover property, restaurants, holidays, cars, gardening and antiques, oh and an article on the prostate gland! There was actually an article about a bus driver - can't think how that slipped in. So its all about how to spend your money, some of the writing was a bit interesting, but I find this whole approach so very arrogant. A million miles away from the plight of a single parent family existing on an estate in an inner city area.
The recently revealed expenses scandal of English MPs' has caused concern about how some people acquire money, and it doesn't do to delve too deeply in many cases. Ask Mark Thatcher or that property millionaire, Nicholas van Hoogstraten. I think many of the readers of the magazine I was reading, would have inherited their wealth. I suppose I can respect people more, who earned their wealth like Richard Branson. He seems to be a role model for many people.
Maybe its what people do with their money that is important. The richest man in the world, Bill Gates, has apparently given away a vast fortune to various causes. Elton John also famously donates enormous sums to charity. That's good, I hear you say, but the greatest gift must always be the old pensioner's pound... That comes from the heart, not the accountants!
Yet, most people crave money above all else, even I buy a lottery ticket every week! We seem to be in the midst of media frenzy world that desires material possessions more than anything else. It is because that we have so much already, that we want still more. Most consumer items are replaceable in less and less time. We are creating a world of waste. A world of two halves, those with and those without. I am in between and can see both sides. I would not want to change my position, yet economists say if we don't move forward (financially) we fall back? The cost of living here has rocketed in the last six months, inflation is on the way up, property prices are falling, and so is this the depression coming?
If that is the case, the rich will probably still get richer - at our expense!
PS. Anyone want an old magazine?

Sunday 2nd March 2008

mothers day
The day we all think about them, treasure them, and love them. Although my birth mother did nothing for me, my adoptive mother was simply the greatest. I can now see she was full of her own insecurities, but in all of her long life, she devotedly cared for and loved me - perhaps more than anyone else. It was unconditional, and although many times she disapproved of my actions, she was still there for me... to comfort, forgive, encourage and inspire. I don't care whether mothers day is a commercially motivated event, because it is important to me, and today Mumsie, the candle is burning for YOU. There don't have to be flowers, because you are in my heart, forever.
My father had died 12 years before her, and I never imagined that I could manage without her. After all I had known her longer than anyone else. She anticipated this, and prepared me for her departure. She often thanked me for all my care, in those last few years of her life. We spoke about how she would like her funeral to be, what music she would like and how I should live my life to the full after she had gone. Well it was a very great struggle initially, and every time I went shopping I'd see her favourite items on the shelf, and find it hard not to weep. I'd want to telephone her, to tell her of my news. Alone at home, I cried incessantly. A dear friend came to stay with me for Christmas (she died two days before) but I pestered him for sex to find comfort, and overdid it a bit - sorry. After the funeral I went to stay with friends on the south coast, and while there decided to live in Worthing - 3 months later I was moving in to a new but rather unsettled life, and it was many years before I became established. By then I realised I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, so moved back to Hertfordshire. I am very settled now, and content with my life. After a monastic period away, I am now able to enjoy the comforts of life, and regular readers will remember the bed arriving, the new sofas, and all the other bits and pieces that go to make up a home, rather than a "bungalow". I have always wished to live on the ground floor, and this place is ideal. It is compact, but big enough for me. It is well located, and quiet, with good neighbours. I shall be here until...
I have adjusted to being "alone" and have tried to be grown-up about life, but deep down I long for the comfort and security of being a child again, without responsibility, always someone to listen to me, and to be on my side...
Thanks Mum.

Saturday 1st March 2008

first photo
To celebrate the first of the month, here's my very first photo - taken from the photo collage available on the photos page. I seem to be about 3 years old, and pre-occupied with some photographic paraphernalia loaned by the portrait photographer at a studio in Eastcote. My adoptive mother related how well behaved I was - well, centre of attention dear! At that time I was fostered to my soon to be adoptive parents, and reports that I have seen from the adoption agency (Children's Society) suggest that I was a quiet, and introvert child, with great potential - what happened then? Also good looking... well I have to agree with that!
Who would have thought that little bundle of joy would have grown up to be an old queen? Was it because of the adoption experience (particularly that my birth mother had a one night stand, and then put me in a childrens home to save the marriage) or being an only child, going to a boys school, or having a dominant mother. Or is it something in the genes (I've got a lot in my jeans!). There doesn't seem to be conclusive proof (did I say poof?) either way, but my thinking is that it is more nurture than nature.
Perhaps because of my early experience (and birth sign?) I was a sensitive boy and more open to emotions and feelings than many other children. I remember never wanting confrontation, fighting or war toys. I was always very positive and saw the best in people... How do personalities develop, how do characters grow? I think the overriding early experience of hating my birth mother and associating that feeling with all other women, is why my sexuality became more gay than straight.
I think everyone is actually bi-sexual, with leanings one way or the other. Most "straight" men will partake in any form of sexual activity if they can get away with it, and many "gay" people have partaken in "straight" sex. I do hate these labels that society places upon us, but there is no other way to describe this.
Somehow I always knew I was attracted to the same gender, even before I knew what to do about it. I have vivid recollections of bum fixation, and was never interested in the female anatomy. The first sexual activity occurred in the first form, at the grammar school in Harrow where the boy I sat next to in class, was rather over-sexed, and had an enormous attraction, which he shared with everyone he could. I remember those initial tingling feelings and how excited I would become when he put his hand on my knee - we wore shorts at that time. It is amazing what one can achieve in a cramped double desk with fixed chairs!
Now, a hundred years later when I look back on all those wonderful years of lust and love, I often wonder what would have happened if I had taken the straight path, instead of...
Perhaps in my next life?